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Ode to Aging

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:46:45 +0000

Ahh youth… Such a wonderful thing. I’m here to tell all of you spring chickens to take note. Cherish your youth! Revel in it, enjoy it, appreciate it, LOVE IT!! Things change when you get older.

I used to laugh when my mom and my aunts would warn my sister and I about the changes they had gone through with aging. Now, everyday I am reminded of what they were saying. I’m in my 30s and I deal with aging on such a small scale compared to others. Even though I have just a few gray hairs and no wrinkles, I can still tell that I’m going through changes. Not THE change, (menopause), but changes. lol

Some examples:

My stomach jiggles. My stomach has always been big, but pretty stationary. Now it jiggles, like a bowl of jello type jiggle. It never did this before. When I lose weight, the top of my stomach shrinks inward, but the bottom seems to do what it wants.

I have cellulite. My legs in high school were like steel. I had Beyonce’s legs. A bit thicker, but very muscular. I could probably do lunges from Philly to DC in heels with a grown man on my back. Cellulite wasn’t happening anywhere. It wasn’t even in my mind. It came out of nowhere.

Here’s more:

My face wasn’t this chubby. The sides of my face were not as shaded as they are now. My eyesight hasn’t been great since the 2nd grade, but every prescription gets stronger. My hearing isn’t as sharp as it used to be. My feet are bigger and wider. When in the hell did hair start growing over my top lip and under my chin? The Girls are singing, “Swing low, sweet chariot…” Losing weight is not as easy as it used to be. But you know what? I am becoming okay with that. These are simply my observations, not complaints.

I tell you this, because when you’re young, you don’t think about how your body will change. You don’t appreciate your body at all. You pick, prod, poke, and complain. You stand in the mirror hating the way it looks and wishing it was more like *insert celebrity’s name here*. You spend your time hiding your body, not realizing that one day it will be different. You have children, your metabolism slows down, gravity takes it’s toll, and / or life happens.

It all changes and that is when you wish that you could go back to the days before the stretch marks, saggy boobs, gray hairs, wrinkles, jiggly or jigglier parts, and so on. Back to when you could drop it likes its hot and not regret it in the morning. lol

For those who are young and still have vitality and good “snapback”, you need to end the war with your body. For those who are not as young and the “snapback” isn’t what it used to be, you too need to end the war with your body. Stand in the mirror and admire just how beautiful you are. Stand in amazement at how wonderful your body is and how great it has been to you. Give yourself a hug, profess your love, and say thank you for all that your body allows you to do. Do this everyday! We are bombarded with images, commentary, and commercials whose sole job it is to make us feel like we are not good enough exactly the way that we are without whatever it is that is being sold. A kind word or a number of kind words can do wonders for the psyche.

So what we could probably stand to lose a little weight. Yeah sure, we could be healthier, but this is not about neglecting our health or putting the blinders on to our body’s signals to problems. This is about loving our bodies unconditionally! This is about forgiving ourselves for the choices that we’ve made in regards to our bodies and our health. This is about letting go of the pressure that we put on ourselves to fit in this perfect little box when it isn’t possible. We are perfect now!

When you love yourself and your body, you treat yourself better. You make decisions based upon what is truly best for you. You pamper yourself and you give your body what it needs to be well. No guilt. No pressure. No criticism. No worries. Hakuna Matata! *Please, don’t make me sing it.*

I found two great body positive mantras. Below are portions from both.

i will realize that everyone jiggles. EVERYONE. thigh jigglies, stomach jigglies, arm jigglies, EVERYONE JIGGLES. i am not the only one, and i should not shake my pooch and then count the seconds, mesmerized, until the jiggling stops… this body is my body, and it is a blessing. i will appreciate it for what it is, reward its strengths, accept its shortcomings. i will strive to wake up each morning feeling good about myself and thanking it, and god, for all it has done for me, today and in the days to come. – Oh Honey. No.

Second one:

My shape is unique to me, and is not meant to look like anyone else. There is no “perfect” shape, and there never will be. The human race will not eventually conform to one appropriate body type, so neither should I. Energy spent on “if I were only”s will always have been better spent elsewhere. My thighs are not a curse, they are a reminder that I am strong. My soft stomach is not a sign of sloth and gluttony, it’s a sign of fair hedonism and proof that enjoying life is not less important than being “beautiful” in the eyes of the media.

I will not hold myself back from trying things because I’m worried about how my body will look or act. I will not skip dessert solely because I do not want the calories. I will treat my body as a temple, and there’s no rule that says “No Dessert in the Temple.” I will exercise my body because it needs it to function well, not so I can look like someone else, or obtain someone else’s figure. – The Demoiselles

So stand up and say this out loud like you mean it!

I AM PERFECT NOW! MY BODY IS PERFECT NOW! I LOVE MY BODY!

The Whales Are Out Tonight! (No Shade)

Ms. Pillowz — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:16:07 +0000

Saturday night, I was hanging out on Facebook and a party promoter wrote this on his status,

“The Philly whales are out in full force tonight…lol.”

Keep in mind that he was referring to his own event. Our subsequent conversation went something like this:

Me: This is a great way to promote openness at your events.

Promoter: The events are open to all shapes, sizes, colors, genders, etc. Green is green.

Me: That wasn’t the impression given by your status.

Promoter: Life is too short to get mad about a joke. That is the problem with society. Some people take things too seriously.

Me: If you don’t think anything is wrong with insulting the very people who made it out to your event, then there is nothing else that I can say. Have a good evening.

That post pissed me off. It wasn’t because I took it personally, but because he was content to take money from the “whales” and then talk like thar about them. I wanted to make a point and let him and others know that this was not ok to do, as an entrepreneur especially. However, in the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to make waves. That old nagging feeling implored me to shrug it off and keep what I really thought to myself.

Nonsense!! I am not the same person that I was years ago. I’m not one to go along to get along anymore. I don’t tip waitresses for poor service. I don’t return to patronize venues where I’ve been disrespected or wronged in some way. With that thought in mind, I wrote:

”I will not be attending any parties thrown by company name, because there seems to be a problem with big girls in attendance. My money and I will party where we’re both truly welcomed.”

I paused for a minute after typing it. That nagging feeling was strong. But you know what? I was stronger. I pushed the send button and posted it to the status of BOTH of my FB pages, (roughly 600 friends, 40 of whom are mutual), my FB fan page for my blog, (now at almost 200 people), and BOTH of my Twitter accounts. Talk about empowered!

I discussed it with my mom and she told me about how in the 70s when she was one of very few black people in administration for a big oil company, some of her coworkers would make negative comments about black people in her presence. When she spoke up, they told her that it was just jokes and that she was being overly sensitive. She said that she had no intention of remaining quiet just because they tried to make her feel guilty by their claims.

The next evening, I received a personal apology from the promoter through my inbox. He said that he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone by the comment and that he hoped that we could remain FB “friends”. I haven’t responded yet, but by the time this goes up, I will have. A la Carrie Bradshaw speak, (for all you SATC fans), I couldn’t help but wonder, “was his apology even genuine?” If he thought that I was being sensitive, then why apologize? Also, why wouldn’t he post an apology in his status to all of the big girls in his 5000 “friends” roster. I’m sure that I wasn’t the only big girl that didn’t get the “joke”.

Think about it for a second. All of those big girls went out in cold and icy conditions to a party they learned about through a promoter they happen to be “friends” with on FB. The promoter may have greeted some of them at the door, thanking them for coming out. They probably had a great time at the event only to come across a post in which the promoter called them “whales”. How do you think they felt? I pose the question to you guys. How would you feel if that happened to you? I am off here?

I decided to check his page to see if I might have missed a posted apology. I noticed that the comment had been deleted. Also, instead of an apology, he posted a comment about his amazement at how one of his real friends defriended him after his “whale” comment. Actually, he said he was defriended after a joke he made about “big beautiful women.” He mentioned again that some people take FB too seriously. Am I alone in thinking that this post makes his apology seem moreso like damage control now?

Of the 17 responses to this comment, including those from a few big girls, most were in agreement with him. One big girl in particular said something along the lines of:

I’m a big girl and and I took no offense. It’s your page and you can say whatever you want. If the “whales” don’t like it, f*** them and they can bounce.

She has a valid point, except that his page is used partly for business. If this were solely a personal page, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Also, I wonder how all of them would feel if this were a matter of race and it was a white promoter who posted disparaging remarks about black people in attendance at his event, (like calling them the “N” word). Would they agree that anyone who took offense was being sensitive? Would they be insulted by the promoter’s comment?

The other thing to mention is that the commenter knows him personally. I, on the other hand, do not. I don’t know anything about his personality, nor can I tell when he is joking or not. Simply putting “lol” after a statement only means that you laughed, not that you’re kidding. Of the almost 5000 “friends”, I am sure that I am not the only who doesn’t know him enough to be able to tell. As a result, do we really know how many big girls amongst his FB “friends” were offended, especially if they chose not to say anything? Do we really know how many decided never to attend his parties again? Do we know how many people they complained to about the comment who also decided never to attend his parties? No, we don’t, but best believe that the bug is out there whether the comment is still on the page or not.

One thing I’ve told people when they ask me about social media is that they really need to be aware of what they are saying, because it gets out there. You never know who is reading your posts. This is especially important if you are using your page to network for jobs or gain business. Personal posts and bad jokes could offend someone whom you want to work for or someone of your targeted demographic. A large percent of marketing comes from word of mouth and social media intensifies its power. Just by pressing the “like” button or commenting on a message on FB, all of your friends can read it. On Twitter, the same thing happens with a “retweet”. It appears on the timeline of all of your followers whether your followers follow the original poster or not.

The point of this post is to let all of you big girls and non-big girls know that no matter what anyone says about you, you have power! Regardless of who they are: family, friends, neighbors, people at school or work, strangers, the media, whoever, you have the power to shut them down and keep them from negatively affecting you. I know it’s hard, but it’s a MUST for self-preservation! You have the power to ignore them or speak up and walk away. You have the power to distance yourself or totally cut them off. You have the power to let their negativity fuel your success. YOU DECIDE!! If this is an entrepreneur or a company that employs said offender, you have BUYING POWER and the power of your voice, solo or as a community! That, my friends, is some serious leverage! Use it!

As for the promoter, I have no hard feelings at all. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to any of his events, but it has not been for lack of interest. I had planned to attend with friends once my schedule permitted it. After this, I can’t say that I ever will, but I do accept his apology. I truly believe that he wasn’t trying to be malicious.

Let this be a lesson to watch what you say about a group of people, especially if you want their business. You could be joking, but part of communication isn’t what you say, but how it is interpretted by your audience. Source: Marketing 101 *wink*

My loyal readers and friends know that I am all about gratitude and the silver lining, (shout out to my tweep, @FreeYourHeart for the reminder), so I must THANK the promoter for providing me with the opportunity to stand up for my beliefs. And thank you for inspiring a new lesson to share about the power of our voices… and our dollars. lol I sincerely wish you peace, wisdom, and blessings. Now THAT is empowering! *smile*

I love each and every one of you! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, sharing, friending me, following, retweeting, subscribing, pressing the “Like” button, and giving me feedback! Be blessed and be a blessing today and every day!

Biba aka Ms. Pillowz

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Part II

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:04:30 +0000

I sat in my car crying for what felt like hours. I just could not move. I was so wrapped up in everything that I was feeling, I forgot to even call the police. I took a deep breath and it came to me. “You are still here,” I said out loud. That one sentence filled every cell in my body and every organ. It completely resonated with me. I felt warmth, enveloped in love and vibrancy, and I felt an extraordinary amount of energy. I started my car and drove back home.

The entire trip home was spent in gratitude. I was grateful to be alive. Grateful to have so many great people in my life who inspired me and loved me. I was grateful for everything that I’d been through, including the drive by, and I was extremely grateful for where I was in life. I’ve been through a lot: self destructive behavior, depression, bad relationships, more issues than a newstand, and plenty of bad choices. At the time it all felt horrible. I felt helpless, desperate, and unworthy of goodness. Despite it all, eventually it passed, as it always does. On the other side of that mess was victory. I became a much stronger person because of all of it.

I’d certainly come a long way, but I still had a ways to go. There were still many things that I needed to do. I would love to tell you that from that point on, I turned everything around and got busy fulfilling my dreams, because I didn’t. I would love to tell you that right afterwards I got my act together for good and completely changed my life immediately, because that isn’t true either. I can tell you that I became very focused on goals. I wrote out pages and page of things that I needed to do. I had my own personal “Honey Do” list going. The thing is, a To Do is not the same as goals. Goals provide you the overall direction in which to go. The To Do list makes up the steps that you should take to achieve the goals. I didn’t have goals. I just had lists of things to do, which lacked focus.

Besides the lack of focus, the lists were overwhelming. I had no idea where to start. I picked at little things here and there. I was doing a lot and not accomplishing anything. I became discouraged and fell back into old habits. I was back to procrastination. I made no effort to write out and solidify my goals. My eating habits were back to being out of control and I was living in front of the tv again.

I thought back to the drive by some times. It made me think seriously about the current direction of my life. I honestly wasn’t happy where I was. I definitely wouldn’t be content to continue on this path and live out the remainder of my life this way. I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. As a matter of fact, I had no idea what my purpose was. I believed it would all come to me if I sat still and listened, so I got quiet.

To be continued…

What Do I Do Now?

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:54:39 +0000

I attended the PA Governor’s Conference for Women last month. Aside from the great seminars and addresses from Judge Hatchett, Marcus Buckingham, and the incomparable Suze Orman, there was an exhibitor’s hall with filled with vendors and organizations. There was one table there for Thomas Jefferson Hospital and they were taking blood pressure for free so I volunteered. It was high. Very high. It was a shock, sort of, but not for the reasons that you think. I was already made aware that my blood pressure was high. Some years ago, I got my blood pressure checked at the doctor’s office and it was high. I reasoned that clearly my pressure was high because of the stress that I endured in order to have it taken in the first place. They were having issues with the bp cuff. (yeah, I know. I am not a doctor.) My doctor gave me a lecture and prescribed meds, which I refused to take. I didn’t even bother to get the prescription filled. Besides, I thought he was overeacting. My bp was never high before. Plus it’s sensitive, so this had to be some kind of fluke.

I’ll admit that I was a little nervous by the diagnosis. I knew that I had no intention of taking the meds, but I figured that I could step it up in other ways to help lower it. I already only eat chicken and fish. I normally use sea salt. I began exercising. I also took it easy on the junk food. I normally don’t like salty things, so if I had pretzels or something, I would just rub the salt off. I just knew that it worked. A year or two later when I went to my GYN appointment, my blood pressure was high again. Again, I felt like it was high because of extraordinary circumstances. A GYN appointment is considered a traumatic experience to most and considering that my bp was taken after the examination, it’s no wonder that it was high.

Since then, I have done two Master Cleansers, exercised (although on and off), started getting acupuncture, and lost over 30 pounds. I am doing wonderfully and feel a lot better than I did in those days, so imagine my surprise when she read off those numbers. It certainly didn’t make me feel any better when the nurse told me that I was going to have a stroke. Another nurse tsked and wagged her finger in admonishment like I was some kind of bad kid. Then she asked me if I ate a lot of fast food. I said, “Not at all. I might get a small or medium McDonald’s fries once a month. Anything else that I ever get from there is a chicken caeser salad.” She looked at me in disbelief. Then she asked me if I like a lot of salt. I told her no. I really don’t like salt. I use sea salt. That is all that I cook with. I rub the salt off of potato chips on the rare chance that I eat them. I tend to buy low sodium or reduced fat items at the grocery store. Again, they shook their head. They both assumed that I was lying simply because I am overweight. To them my weight automatically means that I take soft drinks to the head, live and barely breath fast food, am totally inactive, and pour mounds of salt on everything that I eat. All of this is so far from the truth.

After that, I just walked around feeling really upset and nervous. On the drive home, I really thought about it. I started looking for the silver lining. (See Be Grateful). In the end, I was actually grateful to have gotten the news. It made me realize that my blood pressure is important to monitor, especially since it runs in my family. It also made me realize how sensitive it can be even when I am doing the right thing. Now that I know this, I am no longer taking my responsibilities for granted. .

I acknowledge that I am doing some good things and have had great results, but I can do a little more. I will continue to workout, probably more often now. I can really monitor the amount of sodium in the foods that I eat. I can increase the amounts of fruits and veggies that I eat. I can also do some research to find some alternative therapies to lower my blood pressure and keep it lowered. The point is, that by getting this wake up call about my health, I have some time to look at other options and make the necessary changes. If I walked past that table, I could have easily continued on my path until one day I collapsed and meds prescribed and surgeries discussed were mandatory to keep me alive.

Please don’t ignore your health. “Without health, life is not life; it is only a state of langour and suffering – an image of death.” – Buddha

Be Grateful

Ms. Pillowz — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:26:18 +0000

It’s a new month in a new season, so now is as good a time as any to get right. I was listening to a podcast interview on I-Tunes with Lisa Nichols, (most recognized by her appearance on The Secret), and one of the things that she said was how important it is to be grateful. Lisa starts every day in gratitude, saying out loud all of the things for which she is grateful. I’ve listened to at least a hundred podcast interviews with Lisa, John Assaraf, Jim Rohn, Oprah Winfrey, Les Brown, Jack Canfield, Rev. Michael Beckwith, Earl Nightingale, Joe Vitale, and many others. I’ve heard all of them say in one way or another how important it is to be grateful and how being grateful has made a difference in their lives. Oprah has even talked about her gratitude journal which she writes in on a regular basis. They’ve even said that gratitude for the bad things brings more good things into your life.

Now when I first heard this I thought, “Yeah ok. I can understand being grateful for the good things, but the bad too?! Umm, no. And then to say it out loud? Every day? That makes sense how?” Then I recalled the list of people who do this. Every last one of them has a level of success that I hope to achieve someday. Being grateful is clearly working for them, so why can’t I do that? I say thank you to strangers for some random things like holding the door, handing me a pen, telling me the time, etc., so saying thank you out loud for things that have made a real impact on my life isn’t so far fetched after all.

Over the summer, I’ve made it a habit every morning to be grateful. I typically do it on my walk to the train station. And yes, I say out loud how grateful I am for going to my job when I’d rather be a home or how grateful I am for a rainy day, when we’d all prefer it to be sunny. I can honestly say that I’ve noticed a change. Others have noticed too. I smile even more now. I don’t know how many times strangers have commented on my positive aura or positive energy and that of course makes me feel good. I search for the silver lining in everything. Even the bad stuff isn’t that bad. It’s practically nonexistent. When I’m down, it seems that the universe works hard to make sure that I don’t feel that way for long. It is the weirdest thing! Things will just happen that make me smile.

Being grateful gets easier everyday, because there is so much to be grateful for. Even if you have a types of bad stuff going down around you, you woke up today and today is a new opportunity for good things to come into your life. You have shelter, clothes, food, etc. Those are the bare minimum things to be grateful for, but I’m sure you can find more. Give it a go! What do you have to lose? What are some things that you’re grateful for today?