I can feel it. It’s creeping up my spine, through my stomach, up to my heart and head. That feeling is back. It’s a feeling of discomfort. I’m hungry to fulfill my destiny; to do what I was put here to do. My purpose is not to sit at a desk doing menial administrative tasks. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than thankful for my job. I am thankful for the relationships that I have formed, skills that i have learned, and the financial needs that it has helped me fill. Being thankful and knowing that you aren’t fulfilled is not mutually exclusive. There comes a time, when the things that you hold on to for dear life are holding on to you, too; keeping you from getting to the next level. This could be a job, a position within a job, a significant other, friends, or personal characteristics or flaws.
What would it take to say, “____________ has served it’s purpose in my life, but now it is time to release it and move on to something new“? Are you ready to take the risk? Are you ready to succeed and fail? I ask that because there is a right way to do both.
At this point, I’m on my way to the ledge. The project that I work on will be up soon. When I first learned this, I was scared. I wasn’t ready to lose my job. I didn’t have enough money saved. I didn’t know my next step. Didn’t know if I had enough to live on. Just fearful. It’s still there, to be honest, but I am working on it. I prayed to keep the job for as long as I needed. I talked to the powers that be about what they planned for me after the project was over. I took on additional responsibilty in other departments to solidify the need to keep me.
I’ve been walking closer to the ledge, getting ready for the future, but I’m going back and forth since I am a thinker. In that sense, I would like to get a part time job or do something that requires less of my time so that I can use it to work on and build my businesses. In the meantime, I’ve been plotting, researching, and making plans. It makes me feel better, because I’m working out the kinks. I’m working with a friend on my expense list, so that I am 100% clear on what I need to maintain my modest and comfortable lifestyle. It’s not as bad as I thought, so it took away some of my worries.
Why am I telling you all of this? First, it is a part of getting to know me: transparency. Also, I want you to understand that Big Divas struggle with things sometimes, too! Sure, we are confident and positive, but we can make bad decisions and have issues that we need to work on, just like anyone else. We are human and life happens. It’s how you handle life that is the difference between a big girl and a Big Diva. A big girl runs away from major decisions. She doesn’t have faith in herself to do what she could and should do. She lets her fear of failure stop her from living. A big girl decides to remain comfortable, even when she is unhappy or not living up to her full potential. This may not lead to anything bad, but it does lead to missed opportunites that can limit you in terms of happiness or fulfillment. It’s unattainable if you sit it out. A Big Diva assesses the situation and then acts on what she feels is the best option. If she fails in the process, she acknowledges the failure, reassesses the situation, gets up, brushes herself off, and then tries again.
What are some opportunities that you’ve missed out on because of fear? What have you done to make sure that that doesn’t happen again?
The other night I had this dream. I was in an old car riding in the passenger seat while someone drove me to my job. I had an eery feeling about it. We were driving through the the empty streets of Philadelphia. It was a late night, yet it was still warm out and clear. I was having this conversation with the driver. I felt a bit sad and a little nervous. The driver listened silently as I rambled on about how I thought something bad was going to happen to me. I thought that someone was after me. The driver dropped me off at the pizza shop where I worked. My coworkers for the most part were very warm and friendly. I had a good feeling towards them, but there was one guy that stood out. He made me feel uncomfortable. He was just giving off these strange vibes. He was clearly out of place. Everyone else felt like family, but him. He looked angry. He was outside taking out the trash.
All of a sudden, I was in front of this big picturesque white house with a driveway and flowers along the walkway to the front door. Once in the house, I couldn’t help but notice this huge foyer. There was a table in the middle with this beautiful floral arrangement. The floors were wood and the staircase was so grand. I remember how the wood flooring looked really nice, especially on the staircase. I am in a room just off from the foyer talking to a few people. I said to them that I knew that I was going to die. It sounds weird, but I was a bit relieved. I might have even shed a tear or two, but I wasn’t sad at all. The group was a bit upset, though. It wasn’t like I was looking forward to it or anything, but there was this overall feeling of letting go and accepting my fate.
A party was going on in the foyer, which seems to have gotten even bigger. There were college kids everywhere laughing, dancing, drinking, and having a good time. I saw a group of older guys standing together across the room from where I was standing. They were out of place from the partygoers and were looking around as if searching for someone. They didn’t see me, because there was a sea of people between us. A Prince song came on and the kids go wild. The party went from an 8 to a 12 in terms of energy. Then Prince descended the massive staircase while playing one of those small Hawaiian guitars. As weird as it was, Prince was killing it and everybody absolutely loved it! He was intense and passionate and gave an unbelievable performance. (If you’ve never seen a Prince show, please go. It is the best show that I’ve ever seen.) I let the music wash over me as a stood still in the crowd of people dancing all around me, then I walked slowly towards the group of guys. I knew that they were there to take my life, but I went over to them willingly. Then I woke up.
——-
One thing to know about me is that I am pretty good at deciphering dreams. I’m surprised that someone hasn’t paid me to be the entertainment at a party. The better I know you, the better the interpretation. Deciphering my own dreams, sometimes, is not as easy though. Isn’t that how it is usually? Good at doing things for others, but not so much yourself. *sigh* I digress… Most of you probably think that that was a nightmare, but it actually was a good dream. Death doesn’t normally mean physical death as we know it, but it represents a big change or death of a situation or some other aspect of life. Currently, I am going through some things. I’ve been working on myself and my future goals for a while now. I haven’t moved out on many of them for certain reasons, mainly fear. I know that my goals represent my passion and purpose, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to take that leap and make it happen just yet. My dream is basically about me letting go and doing just that. I’ll break down some key components:
- The pizza shop – represents my current job. I do administrative work full time, so you can gather how repetitive and mundane it can be. The same with a pizza shop – pies in and pies out. Can be a cool place to work, especially if you get along with your coworkers, which I do, but growth can be rather slow or nonexistent.
- Creepy guy at the pizza shop – a personification for some of my feelings about the job: bored, anger, unhappiness. I work for a small company. It really does feel like a family, but sometimes, I just don’t feel like I belong there.
- The white house – this could represent a few things: peace, solace, perfection, Heaven, something that I want for myself. It had a good feeling about it.
- The party – it as representative of my personality: party over here. lol I’d like to think that I’m a fun person, so this can represent my fun side, the side that is rather carefree.
- Prince and the little Hawaiian guitar – Prince is a creative musical genius. I’m not going to argue about it. It is FACT! lol He represents my creativity or my artform. He is using something so unsuspecting and left field to entertain the crowd and it is working. I have these ideas about what I want to do. I want to touch on things that people are familiar with, but I also want to delve into unconventional topics and give people the opportunity to try something new that might help them. This is saying to me that if I use the tools that I have, no matter how off they may seem, they could actually reach a lot of people and positively affect them.
- The group of suits – They clearly don’t belong at the party. They are serious, older, dressed differently than everyone else. They are darkness compared to the energy and light emanating from the rest of the group. They can represent my more serious side.
- The walk towards the group – represents my journey, my leap of faith. It can represent the switch from the playful fun side to the more business-like me or it can simply be my journey through life. Even though there were so many people (potential distractions) between myself and the group of suits, once I made the decision to go over, nothing else existed. There were no distractions, no dancing kids, no guitar solos, no house, nothing. I’m walked and waded untouched through everyone towards that leap.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for such a message to come to me in dream and comfort me. I have been wrestling with taking this step for so long now. Now I know for sure that everything will be okay. I’m ready to die now. Everything that I have ever been through, everyone that I’ve known, all of the good and bad that I’ve seen has lead me here to this point. Affected yet undeterred, I walk towards the end as I know it or, better yet, the beginning! I’m ready to die now. I’m ready to take that leap of faith and fulfill my destiny.
