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For You, My Dear Bella

Ms. Pillowz — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 10:20:28 +0000

I’ve had the idea to write a post about you after reading, http://fatfu.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/the-kitty-who-taught-this-fatass-how-to-love/ by Meowser. Even though you’re gone now, it’s never too late to write about what a joy you were.

I remember like it was yesterday. Ten years ago on a cool yet sunny March day, I drove out to the Media SPCA to adopt a cat. I wanted a sweet natured, charcoal gray cat, (because my 1st cat was gray), who was housebroken and independent to be home alone during the day while I worked. I walked around the room peering into cages and reading information cards on cats of all sizes and colors. When I looked into your cage, I just knew. And it had to have been fate, because you were located towards the end of the room and you were the only gray cat there. It was something about the way that you proudly held your tail when you walked, purring, head high, as you trotted back and forth. You weren’t afraid of me or the handlers. You were quiet, unlike the mouthy cat next door who chattered nonstop during my entire visit. You were definitely the one.

I didn’t have a carrier case, so they put you in a cardboard box for transport to my house. You were so excited to be going somewhere that you kept pushing your head into the lid until it finally gave way and you busted out. You came right over to me, climbed onto my chest as I drove, and gave me repeated catty kisses as if to say, “thank you so much for choosing me.” I had to pull over. Since you totally busted up the box, so I couldn’t put you back in there. I tried putting you in the back seat and on the passenger side floor, but you wanted to be near me. You eventually climbed down and sat near the brake. I had to pull over a few more times before we made it home.

Once we got home, you followed me everywhere. I needed to run out to grab more supplies for you. When I came back, my mom said that you had been crying and looking for me. I bought you a fluffy cat bed to sleep in, but you wanted no parts of it. You just wanted to be near me. You climbed into my bed and pushed yourself as close to me as you could get. It’s where you felt safe.

Did you know that I had your name picked out before we even met? Bella is Italian for “beautiful”. With your shiny charcoal gray fur, white tuxedo chest, white tipped paws, and big clear eyes, you most certainly exemplified the name. Your name didn’t just describe how you looked, but also who you were. You were so loving and sweet. I’m not sure if I told you, but it really brought me joy when you greeted me at the door every day when I came home. You’d drop to the floor like a log and roll around waiting for me to rub your head and pet your stomach.

Early on you developed this habit as my personal alarm clock every morning at six. You climbed onto my chest and licked my forehead until I got out of bed. You must’ve known that frequently woke up late and wanted to make sure I got to work on time. So thoughtful and smart. You truly were a joy to come home to and wake up with.

Your passing has been difficult for me. Ten years went by so fast and I had hoped to be with you for another 10. I had visions of you being old and puffy sitting in my husband’s lap or sitting on the couch looking annoyed because the kids kept bothering you. I envisioned how much you would love our new house once our family moved. I pictured you trotting haughtily from from to room with your tail high and curved at the tip.

Unfortunately, you aren’t in the physical to be a part of these memories. On what would be my last day with you, you sat in my suitcase while I packed, as per your usual. Now that I think back on it, maybe that was your way of making sure that I took a little of you wherever I went, but you were already there since you are in my heart. I picked you up, held you in my arms and told her how much I loved you and would miss you while you purred and gave me catty kisses. I put you down and finished packing. I had no idea that that would be the last time that I held you.

I love you and miss you so much. In those years together you blessed me with so much. I have so many memories of you, my dear friend. I can’t forget you comforting me when I was sad, or sitting on my chest while giving me kisses in the mornings, or sleeping right next to me and cuddling whenever the heat went out. I’ll miss you Bella. I miss all the times that you begged me for spinach and Doritos and how you ate watermelon. I miss knowing that after every workday or every trip, I had you to come home to. They say that time heals all. It’s been several months since you’ve been gone yet it still saddens me that you aren’t here.

I left sunny Pittsburgh and returned home to gray and dreary Philadelphia. I was in a fog from the ride home all the way home. The closer I got, the worse I felt. When I got the phone call, I remember saying that I didn’t want to go home, because it didn’t feel like home without her there. We pulled up to the front of the house and I noticed the empty windowsill where she was usually perched while she waited for me. I visited her resting place and even went into my house, but I just couldn’t stay there. They had cleared her food area and packed up her toys. It felt so empty there.

I went to my mom who sat and talked to me for some time while I tried to wrap my mind around Bella’s passing. She helped steer me towards the pleasant memories to hold on to. She written a lovely letter to the Delco SPCA and we both donated money in memory of our beloved friend. We spent the remainder of the afternoon talking, laughing, crying and hugging, which made me feel so much better.

I went outside to get my suitcase out of the trunk. As soon as I came out, the sun suddenly appeared from behind the dark clouds. It was beautiful and the suns rays felt so warm and comforting. Call me weird, but I felt a familiar energy surrounding me. I can’t describe it, but I knew that it was her. She was shining brilliantly, her soul high above, happy and wrapped in infinite love.

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It’s been tough since she’s been gone, but I’ve had so much support from family and friends. My mom especially, who talked as often as I needed to, held my hand when we came home and Bella wasn’t in the window, cried with me and and hugged me so many times. She kept me from moping around and being cooped up in the house. She’s truly been my rock.

Update:

It is now the end of August and since then I’ve met and adopted another cat name. She was a stray cat who we’ve been feeding for a number of months. It took her and I a while to get accustomed to one another, me moreso than her. You see, she scratched me one morning when I was clearing her food plate and she used to hiss at me. She got along better with my mom. She wanted me to take her since she felt that she was a good cat, probably abused and pretty scared. It took some convincing, but I knew that I didn’t want to see her ran over or struggling outside in the winter. I decided to take her in.

She’s been in my house now for a little less than a month. I have to say that I’m so very happy that I opened my home to Chessie. When I come home, I feel happy to see her and know that she is safe and well cared for. Of course, I miss Bella, but I’m sure she is happy knowing that I’ve opened my home and heart to another loving cat.

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Part II

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:04:30 +0000

I sat in my car crying for what felt like hours. I just could not move. I was so wrapped up in everything that I was feeling, I forgot to even call the police. I took a deep breath and it came to me. “You are still here,” I said out loud. That one sentence filled every cell in my body and every organ. It completely resonated with me. I felt warmth, enveloped in love and vibrancy, and I felt an extraordinary amount of energy. I started my car and drove back home.

The entire trip home was spent in gratitude. I was grateful to be alive. Grateful to have so many great people in my life who inspired me and loved me. I was grateful for everything that I’d been through, including the drive by, and I was extremely grateful for where I was in life. I’ve been through a lot: self destructive behavior, depression, bad relationships, more issues than a newstand, and plenty of bad choices. At the time it all felt horrible. I felt helpless, desperate, and unworthy of goodness. Despite it all, eventually it passed, as it always does. On the other side of that mess was victory. I became a much stronger person because of all of it.

I’d certainly come a long way, but I still had a ways to go. There were still many things that I needed to do. I would love to tell you that from that point on, I turned everything around and got busy fulfilling my dreams, because I didn’t. I would love to tell you that right afterwards I got my act together for good and completely changed my life immediately, because that isn’t true either. I can tell you that I became very focused on goals. I wrote out pages and page of things that I needed to do. I had my own personal “Honey Do” list going. The thing is, a To Do is not the same as goals. Goals provide you the overall direction in which to go. The To Do list makes up the steps that you should take to achieve the goals. I didn’t have goals. I just had lists of things to do, which lacked focus.

Besides the lack of focus, the lists were overwhelming. I had no idea where to start. I picked at little things here and there. I was doing a lot and not accomplishing anything. I became discouraged and fell back into old habits. I was back to procrastination. I made no effort to write out and solidify my goals. My eating habits were back to being out of control and I was living in front of the tv again.

I thought back to the drive by some times. It made me think seriously about the current direction of my life. I honestly wasn’t happy where I was. I definitely wouldn’t be content to continue on this path and live out the remainder of my life this way. I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. As a matter of fact, I had no idea what my purpose was. I believed it would all come to me if I sat still and listened, so I got quiet.

To be continued…

How a Drive By Changed My Life

Ms. Pillowz — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:30:33 +0000

I wanted to see my little nephew, Dr. Kryptonite, and my sister. It was a gorgeous sunny day, perfect for opening the sunroof and enjoying the warm air. I took the same route that I always did. It was automatic at that point. A friend called, so I sat at the light while talking to her. I noticed a black SUV with tinted windows pull up to the light across the intersection. Nothing out of the norm.

The light turned green. I proceeded slowly into the intersection and then everything went by in slow motion. Before we crossed paths, the back passenger window rolled down and I could vividly see a hand holding a handgun come out. Shots were fired down the street that I was crossing. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! I slammed on the breaks and my hand hit the horn. The truck sped off down the street and I gunned it to get as far away from that scene as possible.

I could feel the adrenaline coursing through me. My hands were shaking so hard that I had to pull over. I didn’t know what to make of what just happened. Was anyone hurt? Were they shooting at someone? Who does something like that? My mind was racing a mile a minute.

I started thinking about the things that I did and questioned my own actions. ”What were you thinking about blowing that horn like that? Why did you stop? Where are the police? Why are you still sitting here?” These were just a few questions I had. The thing is, I had no control over my actions at all. I don’t remember doing anything except driving away. Something else took over completely. I don’t remember throwing or dropping my phone. I can’t tell you why I blew the horn. Nothing.

Suddenly it hit me. I could have died! Everything happened before we passed each other. I wasn’t directly in the line of fire, but they could have easily shot and killed me right there. I called my sister to tell her that I wasn’t coming over. Right after the words were out of my mouth, I burst out into tears.

I cried, because I was in shock. I cried, because I had to release all of that nervous energy and adrenaline. I cried, because I realized that I didn’t want to leave this world at that time and in that way. I had so much to do. I had so much to give and I hadn’t done much to fulfill my purpose. I felt… regretful. It was one of the worst things that I have ever felt in my entire life.

To be continued…