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For You, My Dear Bella

Ms. Pillowz — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 10:20:28 +0000

I’ve had the idea to write a post about you after reading, http://fatfu.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/the-kitty-who-taught-this-fatass-how-to-love/ by Meowser. Even though you’re gone now, it’s never too late to write about what a joy you were.

I remember like it was yesterday. Ten years ago on a cool yet sunny March day, I drove out to the Media SPCA to adopt a cat. I wanted a sweet natured, charcoal gray cat, (because my 1st cat was gray), who was housebroken and independent to be home alone during the day while I worked. I walked around the room peering into cages and reading information cards on cats of all sizes and colors. When I looked into your cage, I just knew. And it had to have been fate, because you were located towards the end of the room and you were the only gray cat there. It was something about the way that you proudly held your tail when you walked, purring, head high, as you trotted back and forth. You weren’t afraid of me or the handlers. You were quiet, unlike the mouthy cat next door who chattered nonstop during my entire visit. You were definitely the one.

I didn’t have a carrier case, so they put you in a cardboard box for transport to my house. You were so excited to be going somewhere that you kept pushing your head into the lid until it finally gave way and you busted out. You came right over to me, climbed onto my chest as I drove, and gave me repeated catty kisses as if to say, “thank you so much for choosing me.” I had to pull over. Since you totally busted up the box, so I couldn’t put you back in there. I tried putting you in the back seat and on the passenger side floor, but you wanted to be near me. You eventually climbed down and sat near the brake. I had to pull over a few more times before we made it home.

Once we got home, you followed me everywhere. I needed to run out to grab more supplies for you. When I came back, my mom said that you had been crying and looking for me. I bought you a fluffy cat bed to sleep in, but you wanted no parts of it. You just wanted to be near me. You climbed into my bed and pushed yourself as close to me as you could get. It’s where you felt safe.

Did you know that I had your name picked out before we even met? Bella is Italian for “beautiful”. With your shiny charcoal gray fur, white tuxedo chest, white tipped paws, and big clear eyes, you most certainly exemplified the name. Your name didn’t just describe how you looked, but also who you were. You were so loving and sweet. I’m not sure if I told you, but it really brought me joy when you greeted me at the door every day when I came home. You’d drop to the floor like a log and roll around waiting for me to rub your head and pet your stomach.

Early on you developed this habit as my personal alarm clock every morning at six. You climbed onto my chest and licked my forehead until I got out of bed. You must’ve known that frequently woke up late and wanted to make sure I got to work on time. So thoughtful and smart. You truly were a joy to come home to and wake up with.

Your passing has been difficult for me. Ten years went by so fast and I had hoped to be with you for another 10. I had visions of you being old and puffy sitting in my husband’s lap or sitting on the couch looking annoyed because the kids kept bothering you. I envisioned how much you would love our new house once our family moved. I pictured you trotting haughtily from from to room with your tail high and curved at the tip.

Unfortunately, you aren’t in the physical to be a part of these memories. On what would be my last day with you, you sat in my suitcase while I packed, as per your usual. Now that I think back on it, maybe that was your way of making sure that I took a little of you wherever I went, but you were already there since you are in my heart. I picked you up, held you in my arms and told her how much I loved you and would miss you while you purred and gave me catty kisses. I put you down and finished packing. I had no idea that that would be the last time that I held you.

I love you and miss you so much. In those years together you blessed me with so much. I have so many memories of you, my dear friend. I can’t forget you comforting me when I was sad, or sitting on my chest while giving me kisses in the mornings, or sleeping right next to me and cuddling whenever the heat went out. I’ll miss you Bella. I miss all the times that you begged me for spinach and Doritos and how you ate watermelon. I miss knowing that after every workday or every trip, I had you to come home to. They say that time heals all. It’s been several months since you’ve been gone yet it still saddens me that you aren’t here.

I left sunny Pittsburgh and returned home to gray and dreary Philadelphia. I was in a fog from the ride home all the way home. The closer I got, the worse I felt. When I got the phone call, I remember saying that I didn’t want to go home, because it didn’t feel like home without her there. We pulled up to the front of the house and I noticed the empty windowsill where she was usually perched while she waited for me. I visited her resting place and even went into my house, but I just couldn’t stay there. They had cleared her food area and packed up her toys. It felt so empty there.

I went to my mom who sat and talked to me for some time while I tried to wrap my mind around Bella’s passing. She helped steer me towards the pleasant memories to hold on to. She written a lovely letter to the Delco SPCA and we both donated money in memory of our beloved friend. We spent the remainder of the afternoon talking, laughing, crying and hugging, which made me feel so much better.

I went outside to get my suitcase out of the trunk. As soon as I came out, the sun suddenly appeared from behind the dark clouds. It was beautiful and the suns rays felt so warm and comforting. Call me weird, but I felt a familiar energy surrounding me. I can’t describe it, but I knew that it was her. She was shining brilliantly, her soul high above, happy and wrapped in infinite love.

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It’s been tough since she’s been gone, but I’ve had so much support from family and friends. My mom especially, who talked as often as I needed to, held my hand when we came home and Bella wasn’t in the window, cried with me and and hugged me so many times. She kept me from moping around and being cooped up in the house. She’s truly been my rock.

Update:

It is now the end of August and since then I’ve met and adopted another cat name. She was a stray cat who we’ve been feeding for a number of months. It took her and I a while to get accustomed to one another, me moreso than her. You see, she scratched me one morning when I was clearing her food plate and she used to hiss at me. She got along better with my mom. She wanted me to take her since she felt that she was a good cat, probably abused and pretty scared. It took some convincing, but I knew that I didn’t want to see her ran over or struggling outside in the winter. I decided to take her in.

She’s been in my house now for a little less than a month. I have to say that I’m so very happy that I opened my home to Chessie. When I come home, I feel happy to see her and know that she is safe and well cared for. Of course, I miss Bella, but I’m sure she is happy knowing that I’ve opened my home and heart to another loving cat.

Where’ve you been, Girl??

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:54:06 +0000

I know. I know. It’s been a minute. No. Maybe not a minute. More like an hour. Or two. Or maybe more. I don’t know, but I’m here now. I took a sabbatical from blogging for a while. So many things have been going on with me that I just didn’t have it in me to post a little something.

Work has been the main reason that I took off. I travel a lot with my job. In May, for example, I was home for only 1.5 weeks out of the 4.5 weeks. Basically, I spent 75% of the month on the road. While I do love travelling and getting a chance to see places that I may not normally see on my own dime, I find it to be quite taxing. It is definitely time consuming with the prep work, work during the trip and then the follow up work afterwards. It is also taxing to the body. Lugging suitcases and briefcases. Travelling through time zones. Jet lag and so on. It’s tiring!! I get home and want to fall out! My travel schedule has since slowed down for the next couple months, so I have a little bit more time and energy.

The other thing is that I have a boyfriend now. With my travel schedule, I really have to work harder to fit in quality time with him. The relationship isn’t really new, (7 months), but it still feels new since I haven’t been around a lot. We’re still settling into our “routine”, whatever it may be. I still want to be all up in his face and he wants to read and play Angry Birds. God, that game is SOOO addictive and killing my QT! lol I digress. I think that during my travel time off, we can find what works for us and get more comfortable with being around each other without having to account for every second together. Well, that’s what I hope. We shall see.

The bottomline is that I’m back…for now. Shout out to my Voice of Reason for your advice yesterday about the blog. I’ve missed it and I’ve miss my readers too. See you soon with the next post!

I’m Sawwy…

Ms. Pillowz — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:15:34 +0000

Hello my Big Divas and Big Divas in Training. My, how I’ve missed you. I am so sorry for the delay in posting. It has been hella hectic in my world. I’ve been working on my vision board, cleaning out clutter in my house, researching a new career, and completing my Master Cleanse program. (More on that soon.)

I promise that I will be back soon with a couple new posts. Check back often and in the meantime, feel free to comment on other posts. Thank you for your patience!

Love,

Ms. Pillowz

Uncomfortable… Written on 5/13/09

Ms. Pillowz — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:12:47 +0000

I can feel it. It’s creeping up my spine, through my stomach, up to my heart and head. That feeling is back. It’s a feeling of discomfort. I’m hungry to fulfill my destiny; to do what I was put here to do. My purpose is not to sit at a desk doing menial administrative tasks. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than thankful for my job. I am thankful for the relationships that I have formed, skills that i have learned, and the financial needs that it has helped me fill. Being thankful and knowing that you aren’t fulfilled is not mutually exclusive. There comes a time, when the things that you hold on to for dear life are holding on to you, too; keeping you from getting to the next level. This could be a job, a position within a job, a significant other, friends, or personal characteristics or flaws.

What would it take to say, “____________ has served it’s purpose in my life, but now it is time to release it and move on to something new“? Are you ready to take the risk? Are you ready to succeed and fail? I ask that because there is a right way to do both.

At this point, I’m on my way to the ledge. The project that I work on will be up soon. When I first learned this, I was scared. I wasn’t ready to lose my job. I didn’t have enough money saved. I didn’t know my next step. Didn’t know if I had enough to live on. Just fearful. It’s still there, to be honest, but I am working on it. I prayed to keep the job for as long as I needed. I talked to the powers that be about what they planned for me after the project was over. I took on additional responsibilty in other departments to solidify the need to keep me.

I’ve been walking closer to the ledge, getting ready for the future, but I’m going back and forth since I am a thinker. In that sense, I would like to get a part time job or do something that requires less of my time so that I can use it to work on and build my businesses. In the meantime, I’ve been plotting, researching, and making plans. It makes me feel better, because I’m working out the kinks. I’m working with a friend on my expense list, so that I am 100% clear on what I need to maintain my modest and comfortable lifestyle. It’s not as bad as I thought, so it took away some of my worries.

Why am I telling you all of this? First, it is a part of getting to know me: transparency. Also, I want you to understand that Big Divas struggle with things sometimes, too! Sure, we are confident and positive, but we can make bad decisions and have issues that we need to work on, just like anyone else. We are human and life happens. It’s how you handle life that is the difference between a big girl and a Big Diva. A big girl runs away from major decisions. She doesn’t have faith in herself to do what she could and should do. She lets her fear of failure stop her from living. A big girl decides to remain comfortable, even when she is unhappy or not living up to her full potential. This may not lead to anything bad, but it does lead to missed opportunites that can limit you in terms of happiness or fulfillment. It’s unattainable if you sit it out. A Big Diva assesses the situation and then acts on what she feels is the best option. If she fails in the process, she acknowledges the failure, reassesses the situation, gets up, brushes herself off, and then tries again.

What are some opportunities that you’ve missed out on because of fear? What have you done to make sure that that doesn’t happen again?

“Ms. Pillowz sounds like a pornstar.”

Ms. Pillowz — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:13:52 +0000

This is what I’ve heard, but “pornstar” couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sure “The Kids” are pretty big and some may apply the name to that, but that isn’t why I chose it. Earlier this year, I volunteered to be a mentor to a young girl whose parent or parents were in jail. One of the questions during the interview process was, “What inanimate object would you say describes how you view yourself in this mentoring relationship?” When it was my turn to answer, I said, “A pillow. A pillow supports you, helps you get comfortable, comforts you in your time of need, and helps you to relax. It’s there however you need it to be. I can be molded to suit any purpose.”

I apply that meaning here for all of you. I’m not an expert. I am on a journey just like all of you. I hope that what I do helps you in some way, whether it provides comfort, support, or encouragement. That is my purpose. Your comments, stories, and other feedback are helpful to me too. Pillows need to be fluffed! lol Ok, that sounds a little perverse, but you get my drift. I’m all about positivity and growth from wherever it comes.

I’m Ready to Die

Ms. Pillowz — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:39:19 +0000

The other night I had this dream. I was in an old car riding in the passenger seat while someone drove me to my job. I had an eery feeling about it. We were driving through the the empty streets of Philadelphia. It was a late night, yet it was still warm out and clear. I was having this conversation with the driver. I felt a bit sad and a little nervous. The driver listened silently as I rambled on about how I thought something bad was going to happen to me. I thought that someone was after me. The driver dropped me off at the pizza shop where I worked. My coworkers for the most part were very warm and friendly. I had a good feeling towards them, but there was one guy that stood out. He made me feel uncomfortable. He was just giving off these strange vibes. He was clearly out of place. Everyone else felt like family, but him. He looked angry. He was outside taking out the trash.

All of a sudden, I was in front of this big picturesque white house with a driveway and flowers along the walkway to the front door. Once in the house, I couldn’t help but notice this huge foyer. There was a table in the middle with this beautiful floral arrangement. The floors were wood and the staircase was so grand. I remember how the wood flooring looked really nice, especially on the staircase. I am in a room just off from the foyer talking to a few people. I said to them that I knew that I was going to die. It sounds weird, but I was a bit relieved. I might have even shed a tear or two, but I wasn’t sad at all. The group was a bit upset, though. It wasn’t like I was looking forward to it or anything, but there was this overall feeling of letting go and accepting my fate.

A party was going on in the foyer, which seems to have gotten even bigger. There were college kids everywhere laughing, dancing, drinking, and having a good time. I saw a group of older guys standing together across the room from where I was standing. They were out of place from the partygoers and were looking around as if searching for someone. They didn’t see me, because there was a sea of people between us. A Prince song came on and the kids go wild. The party went from an 8 to a 12 in terms of energy. Then Prince descended the massive staircase while playing one of those small Hawaiian guitars. As weird as it was, Prince was killing it and everybody absolutely loved it! He was intense and passionate and gave an unbelievable performance. (If you’ve never seen a Prince show, please go. It is the best show that I’ve ever seen.) I let the music wash over me as a stood still in the crowd of people dancing all around me, then I walked slowly towards the group of guys. I knew that they were there to take my life, but I went over to them willingly. Then I woke up.

——-
One thing to know about me is that I am pretty good at deciphering dreams. I’m surprised that someone hasn’t paid me to be the entertainment at a party. The better I know you, the better the interpretation. Deciphering my own dreams, sometimes, is not as easy though. Isn’t that how it is usually? Good at doing things for others, but not so much yourself. *sigh* I digress… Most of you probably think that that was a nightmare, but it actually was a good dream. Death doesn’t normally mean physical death as we know it, but it represents a big change or death of a situation or some other aspect of life. Currently, I am going through some things. I’ve been working on myself and my future goals for a while now. I haven’t moved out on many of them for certain reasons, mainly fear. I know that my goals represent my passion and purpose, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to take that leap and make it happen just yet. My dream is basically about me letting go and doing just that. I’ll break down some key components:

The pizza shop – represents my current job. I do administrative work full time, so you can gather how repetitive and mundane it can be. The same with a pizza shop – pies in and pies out. Can be a cool place to work, especially if you get along with your coworkers, which I do, but growth can be rather slow or nonexistent.
Creepy guy at the pizza shop – a personification for some of my feelings about the job: bored, anger, unhappiness. I work for a small company. It really does feel like a family, but sometimes, I just don’t feel like I belong there.
The white house – this could represent a few things: peace, solace, perfection, Heaven, something that I want for myself. It had a good feeling about it.
The party – it as representative of my personality: party over here. lol I’d like to think that I’m a fun person, so this can represent my fun side, the side that is rather carefree.
Prince and the little Hawaiian guitar – Prince is a creative musical genius. I’m not going to argue about it. It is FACT! lol He represents my creativity or my artform. He is using something so unsuspecting and left field to entertain the crowd and it is working. I have these ideas about what I want to do. I want to touch on things that people are familiar with, but I also want to delve into unconventional topics and give people the opportunity to try something new that might help them. This is saying to me that if I use the tools that I have, no matter how off they may seem, they could actually reach a lot of people and positively affect them.
The group of suits – They clearly don’t belong at the party. They are serious, older, dressed differently than everyone else. They are darkness compared to the energy and light emanating from the rest of the group. They can represent my more serious side.
The walk towards the group – represents my journey, my leap of faith. It can represent the switch from the playful fun side to the more business-like me or it can simply be my journey through life. Even though there were so many people (potential distractions) between myself and the group of suits, once I made the decision to go over, nothing else existed. There were no distractions, no dancing kids, no guitar solos, no house, nothing. I’m walked and waded untouched through everyone towards that leap.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for such a message to come to me in dream and comfort me. I have been wrestling with taking this step for so long now. Now I know for sure that everything will be okay. I’m ready to die now. Everything that I have ever been through, everyone that I’ve known, all of the good and bad that I’ve seen has lead me here to this point. Affected yet undeterred, I walk towards the end as I know it or, better yet, the beginning! I’m ready to die now. I’m ready to take that leap of faith and fulfill my destiny.

Welcome to BDHq… There is so much more to come!

Hey World!

Ms. Pillowz — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:19:32 +0000

Hey, hey, hey!!! Welcome to my blog, Big Diva Hq – Where Big Girls Go to Become Big Divas. More to come soon, so be on the lookout!

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