The Approach

May 24 2010

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned, Personal Development

Happy_Shrek I was sent on a work related assignment to California, the OC – (Orange County) to be exact. Everyone that I told was super excited for me. They know that I love to travel. One of my goals is to visit every state, so I would finally be able to cross Cali off of my list. As a matter of fact, I had not gone farther than Texas, so I would be able to say that I’ve travelled from coast to coast.

When I first heard that I would be going, I was pretty nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, it’s the OC for goodness sakes. Wasn’t there a show on tv of the same name? Any and everything that I’ve ever seen or heard about Cali is that everyone is tiny, blond, shallow, and has fake body parts. In my mind, this definitely wasn’t a Big Diva friendly place at all. The worst case scenario is that I would be looked at and treated like Shrek.

Do you see what I did here? Based on fictional movies and shows, I was bracing myself. I was developing the chip on my shoulder. I WAS CREATING THE INTENTION! (Law of Attraction). My assumption that everyone in the LA /OC area was or wanted to look like a stuck up Barbie doll caused me to think that they would look down their noses at me.

One of the big problems with this is that it puts you on the defensive. You’ve trained your mind to focus on negative occurences only. Everything negative that happens can ONLY happen because you are fat, a woman, a minority, are short, are physically impaired or whatever. If you’re not able to get a table at the Ivy in 5 minutes with no reservation, it can only be because you’re fat, not because eating here without a reservation is damn near impossible since it’s a very busy place all of the time. Being told that the club is not admitting any more patrons has to be because they are discriminating against you, not because the club is already past fire hazard level. The guy you were flirting with didn’t want to give you his number. Your first thought is that he’s probably racist. It never occurred to you that he has a girlfriend already or that he might not be into girls.

In all three of these examples, you’ve created the intention that there is negativity directed at you. As a result, you act accordingly. You may be sad, because you think that people are being mean to you. You snap at people, because you’re angry. You let these things affect your day / night, and that in turn taints your attitude and your behavior. Notice how from that point on, everything goes wrong. pantyhose get a run in them, you break a nail, you trip, etc. It’s like a domino effect!

I admit, I too am guilty of doing this. Sometimes when I go to certain type of events or venues, I think that I am not going to get any attention because of my weight. I create this intention and sure enough, my thought comes true: no attention. However, it’s not necessarily because of my weight, but because I act up. I’m not smiling, nor am I dancing and having a good time. I’m mean mugging something serious , so I don’t appear to be approachable, and I am searching for anyone who might be talking smack or looking at me weird. Who wants to talk to a chick like that? Regardless of how she looked, the answer would be no one. Any time that I have gone out and remained open minded, smiled, and left my prejudgements and negative intentions at home, I’ve had much better experiences.

I thought that I would hate LA and would be itching to get back home. I totally didn’t expect it to be a place of very friendly and laid back people and beautiful landscapes. Some guy in Hollywood even tried to holla. lol Shocking! :p So thank you, Cali, for reminding me to smile and not be so defensive. It is not important to fit in, but it is important to be a confortable and confident you! Get comfortable in your skin. Trust me when I tell you that being open, confident, and approachable is a game changer. People do notice these things. They are curious as to your source of happiness and joy.

Keep in mind that they’re going to be people who may look at you funny or have something negative to say, but don’t focus your attention on them and their hateful ways. They’ve got bigger problems than you or I have time to deal with, plus they aren’t worth the energy. Focus on the positive and enjoy your life. You’ll be a much better person for it.

10 Comments

From My Heart…

May 07 2010

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned, Personal Development

Is this thing on?

There are some things right now that are going on in my personal life that are causing me to open my eyes, ask questions of myself, and reevaluate some things. In my advice to others, I feel like I need to take it myself sometimes, so I wanted to write about it. This post may even seem a bit choppy or weird, almost like a diary, and for that I apologize, but this post is from the heart, so I hope that you cut me some slack.

All around me I am seeing just how important communication really is. I’m not talking about randomly speaking to strangers or talking to coworkers, but honest communication with loved ones and even yourself. In real life, although it may be hard to believe, I am kind of shy. I am a bit reserved and I have my issues with drawing too much attention to myself. (More on that later.) I say yes to things that I’d rather not do, because I don’t want to hurt other peoples’ feelings or make others uncomfortable. I am protective of myself, (maybe a bit too much), and can be a bit guarded. Sometimes, I have a tendency to let ish ride just so I don’t make waves or cause problems. I think that I am doing all of this for the greater good, but in the end, am I really? Who gets hurt when I keep things to myself? I do, for one. Why is that ok?? How can anyone give me what I want if I don’t ask? A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, right? How can I experience the peaks of happiness if I accept crap that I get from others?

I am currently looking at the absolute worse case scenarios of what happens when you take dat, take dat, take dat, without so much as a whimper of discomfort. It creates a feeling of being taken advantage of, like you or your feelings don’t matter, or a feeling of resentment, distrust, and beaten until you snap and in the worse way. In the aftermath, there are bodies of people who love and care about you, who are left holding the bag like, “what the hell just happened? I don’t understand where all of this is coming from.”

In cases like that, who is to blame? You can’t blame the other person for taking advantage, really. You have to blame yourself, because it is your job to protect you. Part of that has to do with speaking up. Ask for what you want. Ask for what you need. Tell people when you are upset and why. Put it out there that you are hurt. Don’t let it linger and fester. Jump for joy and shot out to the heavens when you are happy. Show love to the people who mean something to you. Show gratitude to those who do things for you, no matter how small. Trust me, a simple mention of appreciation can a long way. Say something!! Take that leap and put yourself out there!

“Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” -Miguel Angel Ruiz

As I’ve said, there is a lesson in many things. You can find a lesson in your good and bad experiences. Although people don’t recognize them as much, you can also learn from other people’s experiences. How many times have we ignored our parents’ warning about something only to realize that they were right all along. Of course, we learned this by doing exactly what they told us not to do and had to suffer the consequences. Well, I’ve been on this merry-go-round long enough. It’s time to get off. The dizziness is causing headaches.

From this point forward, I am using all of these experiences around me to help me be a better person to myself and others. So, if I say something to you that is unlike me, I am being honest for the greater good and it’s coming from a place of love: love for me and for you, as well. Get used to it.

“Dear Universe,

I finally realize what you’ve been trying to tell me. All of these things going on around me have made it crystal clear. I am listening and I’ve heard you. Changes are coming soon. Peace and Blessings…” – Me (Ms. Pillowz)

4 Comments

The Whales Are Out Tonight! (No Shade)

Dec 07 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned, Personal Development

Saturday night, I was hanging out on Facebook and a party promoter wrote this on his status,

“The Philly whales are out in full force tonight…lol.”

Keep in mind that he was referring to his own event. Our subsequent conversation went something like this:

Me: This is a great way to promote openness at your events.

Promoter: The events are open to all shapes, sizes, colors, genders, etc. Green is green.

Me: That wasn’t the impression given by your status.

Promoter: Life is too short to get mad about a joke. That is the problem with society. Some people take things too seriously.

Me: If you don’t think anything is wrong with insulting the very people who made it out to your event, then there is nothing else that I can say. Have a good evening.

That post pissed me off. It wasn’t because I took it personally, but because he was content to take money from the “whales” and then talk like thar about them. I wanted to make a point and let him and others know that this was not ok to do, as an entrepreneur especially. However, in the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to make waves. That old nagging feeling implored me to shrug it off and keep what I really thought to myself.

Nonsense!! I am not the same person that I was years ago. I’m not one to go along to get along anymore. I don’t tip waitresses for poor service. I don’t return to patronize venues where I’ve been disrespected or wronged in some way. With that thought in mind, I wrote:

”I will not be attending any parties thrown by company name, because there seems to be a problem with big girls in attendance. My money and I will party where we’re both truly welcomed.”

I paused for a minute after typing it. That nagging feeling was strong. But you know what? I was stronger. I pushed the send button and posted it to the status of BOTH of my FB pages, (roughly 600 friends, 40 of whom are mutual), my FB fan page for my blog, (now at almost 200 people), and BOTH of my Twitter accounts. Talk about empowered!

I discussed it with my mom and she told me about how in the 70s when she was one of very few black people in administration for a big oil company, some of her coworkers would make negative comments about black people in her presence. When she spoke up, they told her that it was just jokes and that she was being overly sensitive. She said that she had no intention of remaining quiet just because they tried to make her feel guilty by their claims.

The next evening, I received a personal apology from the promoter through my inbox. He said that he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone by the comment and that he hoped that we could remain FB “friends”. I haven’t responded yet, but by the time this goes up, I will have. A la Carrie Bradshaw speak, (for all you SATC fans), I couldn’t help but wonder, “was his apology even genuine?” If he thought that I was being sensitive, then why apologize? Also, why wouldn’t he post an apology in his status to all of the big girls in his 5000 “friends” roster. I’m sure that I wasn’t the only big girl that didn’t get the “joke”.

Think about it for a second. All of those big girls went out in cold and icy conditions to a party they learned about through a promoter they happen to be “friends” with on FB. The promoter may have greeted some of them at the door, thanking them for coming out. They probably had a great time at the event only to come across a post in which the promoter called them “whales”. How do you think they felt? I pose the question to you guys. How would you feel if that happened to you? I am off here?

I decided to check his page to see if I might have missed a posted apology. I noticed that the comment had been deleted. Also, instead of an apology, he posted a comment about his amazement at how one of his real friends defriended him after his “whale” comment. Actually, he said he was defriended after a joke he made about “big beautiful women.” He mentioned again that some people take FB too seriously. Am I alone in thinking that this post makes his apology seem moreso like damage control now?

Of the 17 responses to this comment, including those from a few big girls, most were in agreement with him. One big girl in particular said something along the lines of:

I’m a big girl and and I took no offense. It’s your page and you can say whatever you want. If the “whales” don’t like it, f*** them and they can bounce.

She has a valid point, except that his page is used partly for business. If this were solely a personal page, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Also, I wonder how all of them would feel if this were a matter of race and it was a white promoter who posted disparaging remarks about black people in attendance at his event, (like calling them the “N” word). Would they agree that anyone who took offense was being sensitive? Would they be insulted by the promoter’s comment?

The other thing to mention is that the commenter knows him personally. I, on the other hand, do not. I don’t know anything about his personality, nor can I tell when he is joking or not. Simply putting “lol” after a statement only means that you laughed, not that you’re kidding. Of the almost 5000 “friends”, I am sure that I am not the only who doesn’t know him enough to be able to tell. As a result, do we really know how many big girls amongst his FB “friends” were offended, especially if they chose not to say anything? Do we really know how many decided never to attend his parties again? Do we know how many people they complained to about the comment who also decided never to attend his parties? No, we don’t, but best believe that the bug is out there whether the comment is still on the page or not.

One thing I’ve told people when they ask me about social media is that they really need to be aware of what they are saying, because it gets out there. You never know who is reading your posts. This is especially important if you are using your page to network for jobs or gain business. Personal posts and bad jokes could offend someone whom you want to work for or someone of your targeted demographic. A large percent of marketing comes from word of mouth and social media intensifies its power. Just by pressing the “like” button or commenting on a message on FB, all of your friends can read it. On Twitter, the same thing happens with a “retweet”. It appears on the timeline of all of your followers whether your followers follow the original poster or not.

The point of this post is to let all of you big girls and non-big girls know that no matter what anyone says about you, you have power! Regardless of who they are: family, friends, neighbors, people at school or work, strangers, the media, whoever, you have the power to shut them down and keep them from negatively affecting you. I know it’s hard, but it’s a MUST for self-preservation! You have the power to ignore them or speak up and walk away. You have the power to distance yourself or totally cut them off. You have the power to let their negativity fuel your success. YOU DECIDE!! If this is an entrepreneur or a company that employs said offender, you have BUYING POWER and the power of your voice, solo or as a community! That, my friends, is some serious leverage! Use it!

As for the promoter, I have no hard feelings at all. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to any of his events, but it has not been for lack of interest. I had planned to attend with friends once my schedule permitted it. After this, I can’t say that I ever will, but I do accept his apology. I truly believe that he wasn’t trying to be malicious.

Let this be a lesson to watch what you say about a group of people, especially if you want their business. You could be joking, but part of communication isn’t what you say, but how it is interpretted by your audience. Source: Marketing 101 *wink*

My loyal readers and friends know that I am all about gratitude and the silver lining, (shout out to my tweep, @FreeYourHeart for the reminder), so I must THANK the promoter for providing me with the opportunity to stand up for my beliefs. And thank you for inspiring a new lesson to share about the power of our voices… and our dollars. lol I sincerely wish you peace, wisdom, and blessings. Now THAT is empowering! *smile*

I love each and every one of you! Thank you so much for reading, commenting, sharing, friending me, following, retweeting, subscribing, pressing the “Like” button, and giving me feedback! Be blessed and be a blessing today and every day!

Biba aka Ms. Pillowz

13 Comments

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Conclusion

Dec 04 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned, Personal Development

handgun_ I knew that I didn’t totally want to lose that fire that I felt right afterwards, but I was fading fast. Indecision, lack of direction, and not accomplishing any goals was sucking the motivation right out of me. One day at work, somehow I found Oprah’s The Secret episodes. I had heard about The Secret before and even bought the audiobook a couple years ago. I found the music and the Australian accent distracting, so I never finished it. I don’t think that I was truly ready to hear the message at that time.

I watched both episodes as well as her after show specials, and something clicked. The points that the authors made resonated with me completely. Her guests included James Ray, Lisa Nichols, Dr. Michael Beckwith, Jack Canfield, along with Rhonda Byrne, the author. I scoured Youtube looking for videos by them. (I’ll be sure to post a few later.)

The gist of the show was that my thoughts, conscious and unconscious, were creating my reality. I could see that. An example would be whenever I set my mind to something, opportunities would come out of the woodworks. Then I would say to myself that I was not good enough to get it done and I wouldn’t do it.

A couple weeks later, an I-Tunes update popped up on my screen. I don’t typically use I-Tunes, but I decided to see what it was about. I found a ton of FREE podcasts with interviews from many of The Secret guests. I also found Law of Attraction related podcasts as well as podcasts about hypnosis, detoxification, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), weight loss, goal setting and achievement, Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), affirmations, meditations, and the power of gratitude. I listened to different ones every day for weeks. My mind was opened up to a ton of new ideas that I began incorporating into my life.

Since then, things have really shifted. I have even more confidence now. I’ve learned and fully accepted my purpose. Before, I never really made goals that I’ve stuck with. I’ve waivered on them, which is why it was difficult to see any achievement on the few long term goals that I set. I’ve since set goals for almost every area of my life: health and fitness, career, relationship and family, financial, legacy, personal, and recreation. (I’ve included an interview with Jack Canfield, one of my absolute favorite contributors to The Secret, at the end of this post.)

The reason I chose to share this story was to hopefully light a fire within you. You don’t have to wait until some kind of near death experience to change the direction of your life. Don’t wait until you can’t do any of the things that you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t wait, because tomorrow is not promised to you. Besides death, accidents, debilitating illnesses, financial emergencies, fear, and other circumstances can change the game for anyone. Don’t wait. You only have one shot at this life. Don’t waste it!

Jack Canfield’s Breakthrough to Success Tele-Seminar

2 Comments

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Part II

Nov 10 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned

handgun_

I sat in my car crying for what felt like hours. I just could not move. I was so wrapped up in everything that I was feeling, I forgot to even call the police. I took a deep breath and it came to me. “You are still here,” I said out loud. That one sentence filled every cell in my body and every organ. It completely resonated with me. I felt warmth, enveloped in love and vibrancy, and I felt an extraordinary amount of energy. I started my car and drove back home.

The entire trip home was spent in gratitude. I was grateful to be alive. Grateful to have so many great people in my life who inspired me and loved me. I was grateful for everything that I’d been through, including the drive by, and I was extremely grateful for where I was in life. I’ve been through a lot: self destructive behavior, depression, bad relationships, more issues than a newstand, and plenty of bad choices. At the time it all felt horrible. I felt helpless, desperate, and unworthy of goodness. Despite it all, eventually it passed, as it always does. On the other side of that mess was victory. I became a much stronger person because of all of it.

I’d certainly come a long way, but I still had a ways to go. There were still many things that I needed to do. I would love to tell you that from that point on, I turned everything around and got busy fulfilling my dreams, because I didn’t. I would love to tell you that right afterwards I got my act together for good and completely changed my life immediately, because that isn’t true either. I can tell you that I became very focused on goals. I wrote out pages and page of things that I needed to do. I had my own personal “Honey Do” list going. The thing is, a To Do is not the same as goals. Goals provide you the overall direction in which to go. The To Do list makes up the steps that you should take to achieve the goals. I didn’t have goals. I just had lists of things to do, which lacked focus.

Besides the lack of focus, the lists were overwhelming. I had no idea where to start. I picked at little things here and there. I was doing a lot and not accomplishing anything. I became discouraged and fell back into old habits. I was back to procrastination. I made no effort to write out and solidify my goals. My eating habits were back to being out of control and I was living in front of the tv again.

I thought back to the drive by some times. It made me think seriously about the current direction of my life. I honestly wasn’t happy where I was. I definitely wouldn’t be content to continue on this path and live out the remainder of my life this way. I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. As a matter of fact, I had no idea what my purpose was. I believed it would all come to me if I sat still and listened, so I got quiet.

To be continued…

0 Comments

How a Drive By Changed My Life

Nov 06 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned

handgun_

I wanted to see my little nephew, Dr. Kryptonite, and my sister. It was a gorgeous sunny day, perfect for opening the sunroof and enjoying the warm air. I took the same route that I always did. It was automatic at that point. A friend called, so I sat at the light while talking to her. I noticed a black SUV with tinted windows pull up to the light across the intersection. Nothing out of the norm.

The light turned green. I proceeded slowly into the intersection and then everything went by in slow motion. Before we crossed paths, the back passenger window rolled down and I could vividly see a hand holding a handgun come out. Shots were fired down the street that I was crossing. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! I slammed on the breaks and my hand hit the horn. The truck sped off down the street and I gunned it to get as far away from that scene as possible.

I could feel the adrenaline coursing through me. My hands were shaking so hard that I had to pull over. I didn’t know what to make of what just happened. Was anyone hurt? Were they shooting at someone? Who does something like that? My mind was racing a mile a minute.

I started thinking about the things that I did and questioned my own actions. ”What were you thinking about blowing that horn like that? Why did you stop? Where are the police? Why are you still sitting here?” These were just a few questions I had. The thing is, I had no control over my actions at all. I don’t remember doing anything except driving away. Something else took over completely. I don’t remember throwing or dropping my phone. I can’t tell you why I blew the horn. Nothing.

Suddenly it hit me. I could have died! Everything happened before we passed each other. I wasn’t directly in the line of fire, but they could have easily shot and killed me right there. I called my sister to tell her that I wasn’t coming over. Right after the words were out of my mouth, I burst out into tears.

I cried, because I was in shock. I cried, because I had to release all of that nervous energy and adrenaline. I cried, because I realized that I didn’t want to leave this world at that time and in that way. I had so much to do. I had so much to give and I hadn’t done much to fulfill my purpose. I felt… regretful. It was one of the worst things that I have ever felt in my entire life.

To be continued…

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“L’elevator? It’s for handicapped people…”

Oct 05 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Lesson Learned

I was in Paris at the Arc de Triomphe on a beautiful night in September years ago. When I asked the security guards where to find the elevator, that was their response. Apparently, they were making a joke, but I thought they were being serious. Damn, I should have boned up on my French Humor 101! I had done a ton of research before I left for the City of Light and read that visitors could take the elevator to the top. I mean, 284 steps is a lot! Just think, there are about 350 steps in the Statue of Liberty.

So there I was acting as a tour guide to two ladies from Australia, whom I’d met at the Eiffel Tour, and I was told that the elevators weren’t for us. We all looked at each other like, “Do we even want to bother?” Nonsense! This is Paris, not some place around the corner! We had to go up there! The youngest lady went first, then me, the second lady, and a handful of some other tourists. The stairs were narrow and very windy, so if one person stopped, everyone else would have to wait. I was so worried. It was humid and I was the biggest one there. I clearly wasn’t the most in shape person out of all of us, so I didn’t really want to go second, especially in front of several thin / in shape strangers. Too late now, we were climbing. We were going at a pretty decent pace. Everyone seemed pretty confident, but it’s easy to feel that way when you first get started. Then we all started going slower. The group was no longer as tight together as before. I made it my mission to stick as close as possible to the lady in front. There was a good distance between us, but as long as she was moving, I was moving too. The other Australian lady was a good distance from me, but she wasn’t my concern. I refused to be the reason why we stopped. I wasn’t giving in to any preconceived notions that any of them had about me. God, my thighs felt like someone took a chainsaw to them!

Eventually the lady in front took a small break. Perfect timing! Then we took another. The people below us were pretty far down, so we weren’t holding them up. Shortly after that last break, we made it to the… not quite the top? There was a small museum with pictures and pamphlets around the site. Where were the great views? We noticed that there was another medium sized set of steps that lead outside to the very top of the Arc. Someone had a cruel sense of humor. After that hike, I never wanted to see another set of steps again, which was too bad, because I had to climb 2 flights of steps to get to my apartment, not to mention the steps I had to climb to reach street level from the Metro.

The most important thing out of all of this was that I made it. I had a preconceived notion as to how it would play out on those steps: I would need to rest several times, I’d have an asthma attack, I’d hold up everyone else trying to make it to the top, etc. My mind was racing with all of the most negative possible scenarios, but instead of giving up before I even started, I went through it and made it successfully. I couldn’t have been more proud of myself. I was so charged after that hike. It didn’t hurt that the air was a little cooler and the sight was one of the most beautiful things that I had ever seen. The Arc boasted one of the best views, especially with the city lit up and the Eiffel Tour sparkling in the midst. We all walked around buzzing and taking loads of pictures. We marvelled at the bustling headlights of the Champs-Elysees. It was all worth the hike. The night was perfect.

I didn’t let a major obstacle stop me from experiencing the best night that I had in Paris. If I had let my mind stop me from ascending to the top, I would have missed out on beautiful views, a wonderful feeling of greatness, and meeting cool new people. I pushed myself and proved that I could do it. What about you? What rewards have you experiences after a challenge? How did that make you feel?

——-

Arc de Triomphe at Night

2 Comments

BigDivaHq.com

The Approach

From My Heart…

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Conclusion

How a Drive By Changed My Life – Part II

How a Drive By Changed My Life

“L’elevator? It’s for handicapped people…”

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