I’m Ready to Die

Sep 30 2009

Posted by Ms. Pillowz as Uncategorized

The other night I had this dream. I was in an old car riding in the passenger seat while someone drove me to my job. I had an eery feeling about it. We were driving through the the empty streets of Philadelphia. It was a late night, yet it was still warm out and clear. I was having this conversation with the driver. I felt a bit sad and a little nervous. The driver listened silently as I rambled on about how I thought something bad was going to happen to me. I thought that someone was after me. The driver dropped me off at the pizza shop where I worked. My coworkers for the most part were very warm and friendly. I had a good feeling towards them, but there was one guy that stood out. He made me feel uncomfortable. He was just giving off these strange vibes. He was clearly out of place. Everyone else felt like family, but him. He looked angry. He was outside taking out the trash.

All of a sudden, I was in front of this big picturesque white house with a driveway and flowers along the walkway to the front door. Once in the house, I couldn’t help but notice this huge foyer. There was a table in the middle with this beautiful floral arrangement. The floors were wood and the staircase was so grand. I remember how the wood flooring looked really nice, especially on the staircase. I am in a room just off from the foyer talking to a few people. I said to them that I knew that I was going to die. It sounds weird, but I was a bit relieved. I might have even shed a tear or two, but I wasn’t sad at all. The group was a bit upset, though. It wasn’t like I was looking forward to it or anything, but there was this overall feeling of letting go and accepting my fate.

A party was going on in the foyer, which seems to have gotten even bigger. There were college kids everywhere laughing, dancing, drinking, and having a good time. I saw a group of older guys standing together across the room from where I was standing. They were out of place from the partygoers and were looking around as if searching for someone. They didn’t see me, because there was a sea of people between us. A Prince song came on and the kids go wild. The party went from an 8 to a 12 in terms of energy. Then Prince descended the massive staircase while playing one of those small Hawaiian guitars. As weird as it was, Prince was killing it and everybody absolutely loved it! He was intense and passionate and gave an unbelievable performance. (If you’ve never seen a Prince show, please go. It is the best show that I’ve ever seen.) I let the music wash over me as a stood still in the crowd of people dancing all around me, then I walked slowly towards the group of guys. I knew that they were there to take my life, but I went over to them willingly. Then I woke up.

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One thing to know about me is that I am pretty good at deciphering dreams. I’m surprised that someone hasn’t paid me to be the entertainment at a party. The better I know you, the better the interpretation. Deciphering my own dreams, sometimes, is not as easy though. Isn’t that how it is usually? Good at doing things for others, but not so much yourself. *sigh* I digress… Most of you probably think that that was a nightmare, but it actually was a good dream. Death doesn’t normally mean physical death as we know it, but it represents a big change or death of a situation or some other aspect of life. Currently, I am going through some things. I’ve been working on myself and my future goals for a while now. I haven’t moved out on many of them for certain reasons, mainly fear. I know that my goals represent my passion and purpose, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to take that leap and make it happen just yet. My dream is basically about me letting go and doing just that. I’ll break down some key components:

The pizza shop – represents my current job. I do administrative work full time, so you can gather how repetitive and mundane it can be. The same with a pizza shop – pies in and pies out. Can be a cool place to work, especially if you get along with your coworkers, which I do, but growth can be rather slow or nonexistent.
Creepy guy at the pizza shop – a personification for some of my feelings about the job: bored, anger, unhappiness. I work for a small company. It really does feel like a family, but sometimes, I just don’t feel like I belong there.
The white house – this could represent a few things: peace, solace, perfection, Heaven, something that I want for myself. It had a good feeling about it.
The party – it as representative of my personality: party over here. lol I’d like to think that I’m a fun person, so this can represent my fun side, the side that is rather carefree.
Prince and the little Hawaiian guitar – Prince is a creative musical genius. I’m not going to argue about it. It is FACT! lol He represents my creativity or my artform. He is using something so unsuspecting and left field to entertain the crowd and it is working. I have these ideas about what I want to do. I want to touch on things that people are familiar with, but I also want to delve into unconventional topics and give people the opportunity to try something new that might help them. This is saying to me that if I use the tools that I have, no matter how off they may seem, they could actually reach a lot of people and positively affect them.
The group of suits – They clearly don’t belong at the party. They are serious, older, dressed differently than everyone else. They are darkness compared to the energy and light emanating from the rest of the group. They can represent my more serious side.
The walk towards the group – represents my journey, my leap of faith. It can represent the switch from the playful fun side to the more business-like me or it can simply be my journey through life. Even though there were so many people (potential distractions) between myself and the group of suits, once I made the decision to go over, nothing else existed. There were no distractions, no dancing kids, no guitar solos, no house, nothing. I’m walked and waded untouched through everyone towards that leap.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am for such a message to come to me in dream and comfort me. I have been wrestling with taking this step for so long now. Now I know for sure that everything will be okay. I’m ready to die now. Everything that I have ever been through, everyone that I’ve known, all of the good and bad that I’ve seen has lead me here to this point. Affected yet undeterred, I walk towards the end as I know it or, better yet, the beginning! I’m ready to die now. I’m ready to take that leap of faith and fulfill my destiny.

Welcome to BDHq… There is so much more to come!