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Big Diva Headquarters – Where Big Girls Go to Become Big Divas

I Am Prepared?



 

File:Circle-question-red.svg


You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.   -Johnny Cash

Space and light and order. Those are the things that men need just as much as they need bread or a place to sleep.   -Le Corbusier

Your personal space says a lot about you.  How you live, how you handle life.  It’s a testament to how you treat your body and what you think about yourself.  Your personal space says a lot. 

I’ll be honest.  My personal space is cluttered.  I exhibit pack rat tendencies.  Physically and emotionally, this is how I’ve been known to roll. I keep things.  Things that don’t mean anything.  Things that no longer serve a purpose in my life.  Things that I think that I need, but don’t use and things that I think may come in handy later.  Emotionally, it is the same thing.  I keep things, defense mechanisms that I don’t need, fears that do me no good, guilt for things that have long since been paid for, unwarranted shame, and built up anger.  In both cases, I can say that I am not a candidate for Hoarders on Bravo.  My “house” is neat, it’s all organized confusion, an oxymoron if there ever was one.  I buy plastic containers, pretty boxes, and tall shelves to provide additional storage options, but let’s face it.  No matter how or where things are stored, it is still clutter and it isn’t good to keep.  Clutter of any kind blocks energy flow, creativity, focus, and blessings.  I’ve started on the good foot so many times. 

I’ve made changes.  I’ve lost weight.  I’ve cleaned up, but as my house reflects, I have not truly released things.  Therefore, the changes that I’ve made revert back to my default.  The weight that was lost finds its way back.  The creative flow and productivity comes to a halt and things return to a disorganized state.  How am I back here?  It’s like a boomerang.  You can throw it far, but it always comes back.  Forward progress is good.   Actually, it’s great.  Who in their “right mind” wants to go back?  Notice that “right mind” is in bold.  In order to keep moving forward, your mind has to be right.

How many cases have you seen where someone has lost weight in some dramatic way, (pills, a fad diet, surgery), and after losing tens to hundreds of pounds, they eventually gain back the weight?  What about all of those people who’ve won millions from the lottery only to end up totally broke in a matter of years?  Their minds weren’t right.  Their houses weren’t in order.  It was filled with the clutter of their negative beliefs that got them to where they were to begin with: overweight, broke, lonely, unhappy, or depressed or all of the above.  They weren’t prepared and neither was I.  So, how could any of us expect lasting change?  I’m curious to know your thoughts.

To be continued…


 

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Hear ye! Hear ye!


Ms. Pillowz and DJRelat7 cordially invite you to to join the Dust Off Your Books Club…
Introduction
As some of you know, I guest blog once a month for DJRelat7 on her blog, Pocketful of Thoughts.  Great blog, if I should say so myself.  One day we were talking about books.  It turns out that both of us have purchasing moratoriums on them.  The reason being is that we already have SOOO many books that we haven’t read yet.  We realized that we need to focus on reading the ones we have first before buying new ones.  It was during this discussion that the Dust Off Your Books Club was born.
How Does it Work
It’s simple!  First, join Live Journal (free), then become a member of our community at http://community.livejournal.com/dust_off_books/.  You can also do a search for “Dust_Off_Books” in the LJ search box.  Then, make a commitment to read one book a month.  Be sure to tell us what you have chosen to read.  Throughout the month, come back and post a quote or passage, (or a few), that have spoken to you in some way.  As DJRelat7 says, “This is not a “Pick a Book and Discuss It” club.”  We simply ask that you never give specific details about your book.  The idea is that since everyone won’t be reading the same selection, we don’t want to spoil it for someone who would like to read it later. Once you’ve completed your book(s), give it a letter grade of A through D, with A being the highest.  Also let us know if you would suggest it to others.   Simple enough, right?
I, personally, love this idea.  I would love it if when people come to my house, take a look at all of my books, and ask me if I’ve read them all, I can go from saying, “I’ve read some or quite a few of them” to “yes, I’ve read every last one.”  :-)
Feel free to join and make sure to tell all of your friends about it!!  And be sure to friend us!  The links are below.
Links
Live Journal -
Dust Off
DJRelat7 – http://djrelat7.livejournal.com/
Ms. Pillowz -http://mspillowz.livejournal.com/.
Please don’t hesitate to drop either one of us a line if you have any questions.
Ms. Pillowz and DJRelat7 cordially invite you to to join us at
the Dust Off Your Books Club!

Introduction
As some of you know, I guest blog once a month for DJRelat7 on her blog, My Pocketful of Thoughts.  Great blog, if I should say so myself.  One day we were talking about books.  It turns out that both of us have purchasing moratoriums on them.  The reason being is that we already have SOOO many books that we haven’t read yet.  We realized that we need to focus on reading the ones we have first before buying new ones.  It was during this discussion that the Dust Off Your Books Club was born.

How Does it Work
It’s simple!  First, join Live Journal (free), then become a member of the Dust Off Your Books Club community at http://community.livejournal.com/dust_off_books/.  You can also do a search for “Dust_Off_Books” in the LJ search box.  Then, make a commitment to read one book a month.  Be sure to tell us what you have chosen to read.  Throughout the month, come back and post a quote or passage, (or a few), that have spoken to you in some way.

As DJRelat7 says, “This is not a “Pick a Book and Discuss It” club.”  We simply ask that you never give specific details about your book.  The idea is that since everyone won’t be reading the same selection, we don’t want to spoil it for someone who would like to read it later. Once you’ve completed your book(s), give it a letter grade of A through D, with A being the highest.  Also let us know if you would suggest it to others.   Simple enough, right?

I, personally, love this idea.  I would love it if when people come to my house, take a look at all of my books, and ask me if I’ve read them all, I can go from saying, “I’ve read some or quite a few of them” to “yes, I’ve read every last one.”  :-)
800px-SteacieLibrary
Feel free to join and make sure to tell all of your friends about it!!  And be sure to friend us:  Ms. Pillowz -http://mspillowz.livejournal.com  DJRelat7 – http://djrelat7.livejournal.com/.

Please don’t hesitate to drop either one of us a line if you have any questions.


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The Approach

Happy_ShrekI was sent on a work related assignment to California, the OC – (Orange County) to be exact.  Everyone that I told was super excited for me.  They know that I love to travel.  One of my goals is to visit every state, so I would finally be able to cross Cali off of my list.  As a matter of fact, I had not gone farther than Texas, so I would be able to say that I’ve travelled from coast to coast.

When I first heard that I would be going, I was pretty nervous.  I had no idea what to expect.  I mean, it’s the OC for goodness sakes.  Wasn’t there a show on tv of the same name?  Any and everything that I’ve ever seen or heard about Cali is that everyone is tiny, blond, shallow, and has fake body parts.   In my mind, this definitely wasn’t a Big Diva friendly place at all.  The worst case scenario is that I would be looked at and treated like Shrek.

Do you see what I did here?  Based on fictional movies and shows, I was bracing myself.  I was developing the chip on my shoulder.  I WAS CREATING THE INTENTION! (Law of Attraction).  My assumption that everyone in the LA /OC area was or wanted to look like a stuck up Barbie doll caused me to think that they would look down their noses at me. 

One of the big problems with this is that it puts you on the defensive.  You’ve trained your mind to focus on negative occurences only.  Everything negative that happens can ONLY happen because you are fat, a woman, a minority, are short, are physically impaired or whatever. If you’re not able to get a table at the Ivy in 5 minutes with no reservation, it can only be because you’re fat, not because eating here without a reservation is damn near impossible since it’s a very busy place all of the time.  Being told that the club is not admitting any more patrons has to be because they are discriminating against you, not because the club is already past fire hazard level.  The guy you were flirting with didn’t want to give you his number.  Your first thought is that he’s probably racist.  It never occurred to you that he has a girlfriend already or that he might not be into girls.

In all three of these examples, you’ve created the intention that there is negativity directed at you.  As a result, you act accordingly.  You may be sad, because you think that people are being mean to you.  You snap at people, because you’re angry.  You let these things affect your day / night, and that in turn taints your attitude and your behavior.  Notice how from that point on, everything goes wrong.  pantyhose get a run in them, you break a nail, you trip, etc.  It’s like a domino effect!

I admit, I too am guilty of doing this.    Sometimes when I go to certain type of events or venues, I think that I am not going to get any attention because of my weight.  I create this intention and sure enough, my thought comes true:  no attention.  However, it’s not necessarily because of my weight, but because I act up.  I’m not smiling, nor am I dancing and having a good time.  I’m mean mugging something serious , so I don’t appear to be approachable, and I am searching for anyone who might be talking smack or looking at me weird.  Who wants to talk to a chick like that?  Regardless of how she looked, the answer would be no one.  Any time that I have gone out and remained open minded, smiled, and left my prejudgements and negative intentions at home, I’ve had much better experiences.

I thought that I would hate LA and would be itching to get back home.  I totally didn’t expect it to be a place of very friendly and laid back people and beautiful landscapes.  Some guy in Hollywood even tried to holla.  lol  Shocking!  :p  So thank you, Cali, for reminding me to smile and not be so defensive.  It is not important to fit in, but it is important to be a confortable and confident you!  Get comfortable in your skin.  Trust me when I tell you that being open, confident, and approachable is a game changer.  People do notice these things.  They are curious as to your source of happiness and joy.

Keep in mind that they’re going to be people who may look at you funny or have something negative to say, but don’t focus your attention on them and their hateful ways.  They’ve got bigger problems than you or I have time to deal with, plus they aren’t worth the energy.  Focus on the positive and enjoy your life.  You’ll be a much better person for it.  :-)

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From My Heart…

Is this thing on?

Is this thing on?

There are some things right now that are going on in my personal life that are causing me to open my eyes, ask questions of myself, and reevaluate some things.  In my advice to others, I feel like I need to take it myself sometimes, so I wanted to write about it.  This post may even seem a bit choppy or weird, almost like a diary, and for that I apologize, but this post is from the heart, so I hope that you cut me some slack. 

All around me I am seeing just how important communication really is.  I’m not talking about randomly speaking to strangers or talking to coworkers, but honest communication with loved ones and even yourself.  In real life, although it may be hard to believe, I am kind of shy.  I am a bit reserved and I have my issues with drawing too much attention to myself.  (More on that later.)  I say yes to things that I’d rather not do, because I don’t want to hurt other peoples’ feelings or make others uncomfortable.  I am protective of myself, (maybe a bit too much), and can be a bit guarded.  Sometimes, I have a tendency to let ish ride just so I don’t make waves or cause problems.  I think that I am doing all of this for the greater good, but in the end, am I really?  Who gets hurt when I keep things to myself?  I do, for one.  Why is that ok??  How can anyone give me what I want if I don’t ask?  A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, right?  How can I experience the peaks of happiness if I accept crap that I get from others?
 
I am currently looking at the absolute worse case scenarios of what happens when you take dat, take dat, take dat, without so much as a whimper of discomfort.  It creates a feeling of being taken advantage of, like you or your feelings don’t matter, or a feeling of resentment, distrust, and beaten until you snap and in the worse way.  In the aftermath, there are bodies of people who love and care about you, who are left holding the bag like, “what the hell just happened?  I don’t understand where all of this is coming from.” 
 
In cases like that, who is to blame?  You can’t blame the other person for taking advantage, really.  You have to blame yourself, because it is your job to protect you.  Part of that has to do with speaking up.  Ask for what you want.  Ask for what you need.  Tell people when you are upset and why.  Put it out there that you are hurt.  Don’t let it linger and fester.  Jump for joy and shot out to the heavens when you are happy.  Show love to the people who mean something to you.  Show gratitude to those who do things for you, no matter how small.  Trust me, a simple mention of appreciation can a long way.  Say something!!  Take that leap and put yourself out there!
 
Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” -Miguel Angel Ruiz
 
As I’ve said, there is a lesson in many things.  You can find a lesson in your good and bad experiences.  Although people don’t recognize them as much, you can also learn from other people’s experiences.  How many times have we ignored our parents’ warning about something only to realize that they were right all along.  Of course, we learned this by doing exactly what they told us not to do and had to suffer the consequences.  Well, I’ve been on this merry-go-round long enough.  It’s time to get off.  The dizziness is causing headaches.
 
From this point forward, I am using all of these experiences around me to help me be a better person to myself and others.  So, if I say something to you that is unlike me, I am being honest for the greater good and it’s coming from a place of love:  love for me and for you, as well.  Get used to it.
 
“Dear Universe,

I finally realize what you’ve been trying to tell me. All of these things going on around me have made it crystal clear. I am listening and I’ve heard you. Changes are coming soon. Peace and Blessings…” – Me (Ms. Pillowz)

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Much Ado About Goals

Goals

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are, you’ll fall into someone else’s plan.  And guess what they have planned for you?  Not much.” – Jim Rohn

The fourth month of the new year is just beginning, but now is still a great time to talk about goals.  I actually had another post planned before this one, but this is SO important to discuss.  This may end up being a series that gets updated or revisited from time to time. 

Some of you may be saying, “She’s all late and wrong.  I made my New Years Resolutions like 4 months ago.  How is she gonna come in here talking about goals now?”  Two things:  One- new Years Resolutions are not goals and two- month four just started.  How are your resolutions holding up?  Broken yet or just about broken?  Hmm… What’s with the silence?  *wink*

 It’s still pretty early in the year, you still have 8 months to go after all, so I figured that it was still a good time to write your goals, (for those who haven’t), or write them the right way, (for those who did resolutions).

Now some of you may be wondering what my beef is with resolutions.  Actually, I have no beef at all.  I’m glad that people thought about something that they hope will change in the new year, BUT a resolution is just a start.  People tend to make them and then stop there.  In essence, it’s simply a wish.  You wish that you would lose weight or quit smoking or cut down on spending.   

After the wishes are made, people wing it and hope for the best.  “This is my last pack of ciggies and then I’m going cold turkey.”  “I will only eat vegetables and drink water for the rest of my life.  Yeah… I’ll be skinny in no time.”  “I’m cutting up all of my credit cards.  That should keep me from spending.”  Clearly, all of these are pretty extreme.  They are desperate plans: not well thought out or realistic.

A goal, on the other hand, is more defined.  It is something that was thought out in great detail.  There is a workable plan involved.  A GOOD goal includes EXACTLY what you want, what you hope to get by achieving it, and is something that pushes you, but is achievable.

One of the best ways to know that you set a good goal is by using the “SMART model”.  It is said that Peter Drucker was the originator of this concept, but it isn’t completely clear.  There are a few people claiming the credit.
 
S is specific
M is measurable
A is attainable
R is realistic
T is timely
 
Be specific – “Be healthy” is very vague. What exactly does “healthy” mean? Are you referring to blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, or something else?  You have to get more detailed in what you want, because if you don’t how do you know if you’ve achieved your goal or not?  More importantly, how do you know how to work towards achieving your goal?

Show measurement – You have to be able to measure your goal.  What does achievement look like?  Pounds.  Inches.  Time.  Distance.  Something.  There has to be a way of determining whether or not you achieved the goal.  The above goal, “be healthy” or “lose weight” is not measurable.  A goal to lose 10 pounds by June of this year is measurable and specific.

Can you reach this goal? – Writing down a lofty goal that is virtually impossible for you to achieve is a set up for failure.  That, my friends, is bad for business.  The reason to set achievable goals is that you have to work towards achieving them and when you achieve them, you experience a bit of pride, a shot of confidence, and a sense of victory.  This helps to build your self esteem.  Don’t set your goals too low, either.  You won’t be too concerned with reaching them, because it isn’t really a challenge.
 
Can this goal be a reality for you? – A goal has to be realistic.  It has to make sense.  A goal for me to lose 120 pounds in 1 year is specific, measurable, and attainable, albeit risky, but it is not a realistic goal.  I know me very well and the things that I would have to do to achieve that goal are things that I would NEVER do!  That fact makes this goal a pipe dream aka unrealistic.
 
When do you hope to achieve the goal? – Next week?  In a month?  By the end of the year?  January 14, 2012?  All goals need to have a “deadline” to work towards in order to keep you engaged, motivated, and focused.
 
I wrote out a list of goals for different areas in my life.  I didn’t think about it, honestly.  It was more of a brainstorm.  I thought about the things that I wanted to achieve by the end of the year and wrote them down as they came to mind.  I started going back through them to rephrase and reformat them so that they are SMART goals that make better sense.  I’ll share a few here to give you some practice.
 
1)  Pay me first.:  What in the hell does that mean?  There are so many things that this “goal” can mean.  The back story gives you a better idea.  When I wrote the goal, I was referring to my tendency to spend money and / or leave it in my checking account.  By doing nothing or just spending it, my money wasn’t working for me.  It was working for the banks or for the people who owned the places where I spent it.  Checking accounts get little interest, if any at all, and this is where SO many people keep most of their money.  They have direct deposit from their jobs and all of their bills come out of the account, so it’s easier to keep there.  After the money comes out for bills, whatever is left is just hanging out in there, tempting you to buy yet another pair of black pumps that you don’t need.  Meanwhile, there’s a minimum amount coming out for savings or investments.
 
Women are especially guilty of this.  We normally put everyone ahead of ourselves: kids, significant others, family, and jobs, not just financially, but in other areas, too.  Realizing this, I decided to break the cycle this year.  By paying myself first, I would take more of my money and put it in places where it is working to make more money on my behalf.  This could mean higher interest bearing accounts, investment vehicles, or business ventures.  To make this a SMART Goal, I could change it to read, “I am putting 20% of my salary in a Roth IRA, (or some other savings or investment tool), annually.
 
2)  Get out more.:  If I randomly stand out on my porch every Sunday afternoon, I can say that I’ve gotten out more.  Do you see why it is important to be clear in setting your goals?  *smile*  This was important to me, because I am young, single, fabulous, and fun loving.  I enjoy meeting and interacting with people, (although I’m a little shy), but I can’t do any of this by loitering on Facebook or Twalking, (Twitter stalking), folks.  I have to make an effort and get out there.  *teeth chattering*  By changing the goal to, “I am attending 4 Meetups, Facebook events, Tweetups, or other events that I am invited to attend each month,” I’ve turned my wish into a SMART Goal.  (I’ll tell you how this is working out in another post.)
 
 
Your assignment:  If you’ve done New Year’s Resolutions, go back and dust them off, then ask yourself if they are SMART Goals.  If your answer is “no”, then fix them.  If you didn’t do resolutions, that’s ok.  Sit down and write out some SMART goals for the year.  Don’t just do this in your head, WRITE THEM DOWN!!  Having them in your head does NOT count.  Once you finish, put them on your refrigerator or someplace else that you can see them regularly to keep you focused.

In the coming weeks, we’ll talk more about goals, including some tips to help you achieve them.  Be sure to let me know what you think about this post and feel free to share one or two of your SMART goals. 

:-)

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Happy New Year!!

Hello my Big Divas and Big Divas in Training!  Happy New Year!!  I sincerely hope that you all had joyous holidays!

You know what they say:  New year, new beginning!  Out with the old and in with the new: new attitude, new good habits, new relationships, new experiences.  It’s time to reassess the things that happened last year and make a plan for what you want to happen in the new year.  It’s time to move forward.

Before the end of the year, I heard so many people say that they could not wait for 2009 to be over.  Here’s an example of some of the complaints:

  • This was such a horrible year.  I’m 37 and still unmarried, all of the good guys are taken or dead. 
  • I lost my job. 
  • My neighbor and I aren’t speaking ever since he parked in a spot that I shoveled out from under 2 feet of snow. 
  • My kids are so bad; and the list continues.
My question is this:  How is 2010, (or anytime in the future for that matter), going to be any better, if the focus is on the negativity of last year and / or prior years?  How is it possible to move forward and start anew that way?    The answer is that this year and future years will NOT be any different than the prior years and it is NOT possible to move forward SUCCESSFULLY that way.  Here’s why…

A new year + a fresh start + new goals + new hopes + the SAME PERSON, (dragging baggage, negativity, and all) = THE SAME EXPERIENCES!  Everything in that equation is new, except the person.  Did you notice that?  A change of scenery, a new job, a new significant other, a new whatever is not going to change anyone’s life unless some changes are made internally.

Entering into this new year complaining about things of the past, gives those things power over the direction of your life.  Focusing on the negative guarantees that there will be even more negativity in the future.

Every year, many of us start out with resolutions.  You know the main ones: lose weight, exercise more, get organized / declutter, cut back on spending and save more money, quit smoking and / or drinking, and get out more and enjoy life.  It’s a great idea, but most resolutions don’t last.  That is because most people don’t bother to make any internal changes, which could help to make lasting positive external changes.

Long lasting change starts with an HONEST assessment of yourself to figure out where there are blockages.  These blockages may require forgiveness and letting go.  We’ll go deeper into that in another post.

So for now, shift your focus from the negative aspect of last year to the positive.  Look at some of your complaints and search for the positive in them.  Let’s take a couple of the complaints from above:  “I’m 37 and still unmarried, all of the good guys are taken or dead.”  We can flip this to a positive by saying, “I am grateful for being single last year.  It gave me time to focus on my children.  It allowed me to work on myself, tend to my needs, and helped prepare me for a positive relationship in the future.  Now, I am ready to get out there and find my partner.”  That is a good starting point, and from there you can figure out how you are going to do that.

Another complaint mentioned above was the loss of a job.  That complaint could be flipped by saying, “I may not have been ready to lose my job, but I am strong and am sure that I will come out on top.  I know that all things happen for a reason and in the right time.  I have faith that everything will work out just fine.  I can use this time to work on my career goals.  There are so many things that I can do with this time to cultivate my other interests and skills.  I have it in me to dig deep and prosper.”  So many people have used this time to take classes, change their career focus to another industry, and even start their own businesses.

What were some of the complaints that you made at the start of the year and how can you flip them into the positive?  You still have time to change your focus and change direction of your new year.  I guarantee that!

In the coming blog posts this month and next, we’ll talk about personal responsibility, forgiveness and letting go, goal setting, money, the importance of water, the power of affirmations, and more.  I’ll share with you the bloggers that have helped me along my journey to Big Divadom with the hopes that they, too, can help you.  I’ll also be introducing exercises, homework assignments, and my 30 day experiments.  This is going to be a big year for BDHq!!  Be here and present!

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Ode to Aging

bodies

Ahh youth…  Such a wonderful thing.  I’m here to tell all of you spring chickens to take note.  Cherish your youth!  Revel in it, enjoy it, appreciate it, LOVE IT!!  Things change when you get older.

I used to laugh when my mom and my aunts would warn my sister and I about the changes they had gone through with aging.  Now, everyday I am reminded of what they were saying.  I’m in my 30s and I deal with aging on such a small scale compared to others.  Even though I have just a few gray hairs and no wrinkles, I can still tell that I’m going through changes.  Not THE change, (menopause), but changes.  lol

Some examples:

My stomach jiggles.  My stomach has always been big, but pretty stationary.  Now it jiggles, like a bowl of jello type jiggle.  It never did this before.  When I lose weight, the top of my stomach shrinks inward, but the bottom seems to do what it wants.
 
I have cellulite.  My legs in high school were like steel.  I had Beyonce’s legs.  A bit thicker, but very muscular.  I could probably do lunges from Philly to DC in heels with a grown man on my back.  Cellulite wasn’t happening anywhere.  It wasn’t even in my mind.  It came out of nowhere.

Here’s more:

My face wasn’t this chubby.  The sides of my face were not as shaded as they are now.  My eyesight hasn’t been great since the 2nd grade, but every prescription gets stronger.  My hearing isn’t as sharp as it used to be.  My feet are bigger and wider.  When in the hell did hair start growing over my top lip and under my chin?  The Girls are singing, “Swing low, sweet chariot…”  Losing weight is not as easy as it used to be.  But you know what?  I am becoming okay with that.  These are simply my observations, not complaints. 

I tell you this, because when you’re young, you don’t think about how your body will change.  You don’t appreciate your body at all.  You pick, prod, poke, and complain.  You stand in the mirror hating the way it looks and wishing it was more like *insert celebrity’s name here*.  You spend your time hiding your body, not realizing that one day it will be different.  You have children, your metabolism slows down, gravity takes it’s toll, and / or life happens.

It all changes and that is when you wish that you could go back to the days before the stretch marks, saggy boobs, gray hairs, wrinkles, jiggly or jigglier parts, and so on.  Back to when you could drop it likes its hot and not regret it in the morning.  lol
 
For those who are young and still have vitality and good “snapback”, you need to end the war with your body.  For those who are not as young and the “snapback” isn’t what it used to be, you too need to end the war with your body.  Stand in the mirror and admire just how beautiful you are.  Stand in amazement at how wonderful your body is and how great it has been to you.  Give yourself a hug, profess your love, and say thank you for all that your body allows you to do.  Do this everyday!  We are bombarded with images, commentary, and commercials whose sole job it is to make us feel like we are not good enough exactly the way that we are without whatever it is that is being sold.  A kind word or a number of kind words can do wonders for the psyche.
 
So what we could probably stand to lose a little weight.  Yeah sure, we could be healthier, but this is not about neglecting our health or putting the blinders on to our body’s signals to problems.  This is about loving our bodies unconditionally!  This is about forgiving ourselves for the choices that we’ve made in regards to our bodies and our health.  This is about letting go of the pressure that we put on ourselves to fit in this perfect little box when it isn’t possible.  We are perfect now! 
 
When you love yourself and your body, you treat yourself better.  You make decisions based upon what is truly best for you.  You pamper yourself and you give your body what it needs to be well.  No guilt.  No pressure.  No criticism.  No worries.  Hakuna Matata!  *Please, don’t make me sing it.* 
 
I found two great body positive mantras.  Below are portions from both.

i will realize that everyone jiggles. EVERYONE. thigh jigglies, stomach jigglies, arm jigglies, EVERYONE JIGGLES. i am not the only one, and i should not shake my pooch and then count the seconds, mesmerized, until the jiggling stops… this body is my body, and it is a blessing. i will appreciate it for what it is, reward its strengths, accept its shortcomings. i will strive to wake up each morning feeling good about myself and thanking it, and god, for all it has done for me, today and in the days to come.   – Oh Honey.  No.

Second one:

My shape is unique to me, and is not meant to look like anyone else. There is no “perfect” shape, and there never will be. The human race will not eventually conform to one appropriate body type, so neither should I. Energy spent on “if I were only”s will always have been better spent elsewhere. My thighs are not a curse, they are a reminder that I am strong. My soft stomach is not a sign of sloth and gluttony, it’s a sign of fair hedonism and proof that enjoying life is not less important than being “beautiful” in the eyes of the media.

I will not hold myself back from trying things because I’m worried about how my body will look or act. I will not skip dessert solely because I do not want the calories. I will treat my body as a temple, and there’s no rule that says “No Dessert in the Temple.” I will exercise my body because it needs it to function well, not so I can look like someone else, or obtain someone else’s figure.  – The Demoiselles

So stand up and say this out loud like you mean it!

I AM PERFECT NOW!  MY BODY IS PERFECT NOW!  I LOVE MY BODY!

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Baluga_Whales
 
Saturday night, I was hanging out on Facebook and a party promoter wrote this on his status,
“The Philly whales are out in full force tonight…lol.” 
 Keep in mind that he was referring to his own event.  Our subsequent conversation went something like this:
Me:  This is a great way to promote openness at your events. 
 
Promoter:  The events are open to all shapes, sizes, colors, genders, etc.  Green is green.
 
Me:  That wasn’t the impression given by your status. 
 
Promoter:  Life is too short to get mad about a joke.  That is the problem with society.  Some people take things too seriously. 
 
Me:  If you don’t think anything is wrong with insulting the very people who made it out to your event, then there is nothing else that I can say.  Have a good evening.
 
That post pissed me off.  It wasn’t because I took it personally, but because he was content to take money from the “whales” and then talk like thar about them.  I wanted to make a point and let him and others know that this was not ok to do, as an entrepreneur especially.  However, in the back of my mind, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to make waves.  That old nagging feeling implored me to shrug it off and keep what I really thought to myself. 
 
Nonsense!!  I am not the same person that I was years ago.  I’m not one to go along to get along anymore.  I don’t tip waitresses for poor service.  I don’t return to patronize venues where I’ve been disrespected or wronged in some way.  With that thought in mind, I wrote:
  ”I will not be attending any parties thrown by company name, because there seems to be a problem with big girls in attendance.  My money and I will party where we’re both truly welcomed.” 
I paused for a minute after typing it.  That nagging feeling was strong.  But you know what?  I was stronger.  I pushed the send button and posted it to the status of BOTH of my FB pages, (roughly 600 friends, 40 of whom are mutual), my FB fan page for my blog, (now at almost 200 people), and BOTH of my Twitter accounts.  Talk about empowered!
 
I discussed it with my mom and she told me about how in the 70s when she was one of very few black people in administration for a big oil company, some of her coworkers would make negative comments about black people in her presence.  When she spoke up, they told her that it was just jokes and that she was being overly sensitive.  She said that she had no intention of remaining quiet just because they tried to make her feel guilty by their claims.
 
The next evening, I received a personal apology from the promoter through my inbox.  He said that he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone by the comment and that he hoped that we could remain FB “friends”.  I haven’t responded yet, but by the time this goes up, I will have.  A la Carrie Bradshaw speak, (for all you SATC fans), I couldn’t help but wonder, was his apology even genuine?”  If he thought that I was being sensitive, then why apologize?  Also, why wouldn’t he post an apology in his status to all of the big girls in his 5000 “friends” roster.  I’m sure that I wasn’t the only big girl that didn’t get the “joke”.
 
Think about it for a second.  All of those big girls went out in cold and icy conditions to a party they learned about through a promoter they happen to be “friends” with on FB.  The promoter may have greeted some of them at the door, thanking them for coming out.  They probably had a great time at the event only to come across a post in which the promoter called them “whales”.  How do you think they felt?    I pose the question to you guys.  How would you feel if that happened to you?  I am off here?
 
I decided to check his page to see if I might have missed a posted apology.  I noticed that the comment had been deleted.  Also, instead of an apology, he posted a comment about his amazement at how one of his real friends defriended him after his “whale” comment.  Actually, he said he was defriended after a joke he made about “big beautiful women.”  He mentioned again that some people take FB too seriously.  Am I alone in thinking that this post makes his apology seem moreso like damage control now?
 
Of the 17 responses to this comment, including those from a few big girls, most were in agreement with him.  One big girl in particular said something along the lines of: 
I’m a big girl and and I took no offense.  It’s your page and you can say whatever you want.  If the “whales” don’t like it, f*** them and they can bounce. 
She has a valid point, except that his page is used partly for business.  If this were solely a personal page, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  Also, I wonder how all of them would feel if this were a matter of race and it was a white promoter who posted disparaging remarks about black people in attendance at his event, (like calling them the “N” word).  Would they agree that anyone who took offense was being sensitive?  Would they be insulted by the promoter’s comment?
 
The other thing to mention is that the commenter knows him personally.  I, on the other hand, do not.  I don’t know anything about his personality, nor can I tell when he is joking or not.  Simply putting “lol” after a statement only means that you laughed, not that you’re kidding.  Of the almost 5000 “friends”, I am sure that I am not the only who doesn’t know him enough to be able to tell.  As a result, do we really know how many big girls amongst his FB “friends” were offended, especially if they chose not to say anything?  Do we really know how many decided never to attend his parties again?  Do we know how many people they complained to about the comment who also decided never to attend his parties?  No, we don’t, but best believe that the bug is out there whether the comment is still on the page or not.
 
One thing I’ve told people when they ask me about social media is that they really need to be aware of what they are saying, because it gets out there.  You never know who is reading your posts.  This is especially important if you are using your page to network for jobs or gain business.  Personal posts and bad jokes could offend someone whom you want to work for or someone of your targeted demographicA large percent of marketing comes from word of mouth and social media intensifies its power.  Just by pressing the “like” button or commenting on a message on FB, all of your friends can read it.  On Twitter, the same thing happens with a “retweet”.  It appears on the timeline of all of your followers whether your followers follow the original poster or not.
 
The point of this post is to let all of you big girls and non-big girls know that no matter what anyone says about you, you have power!  Regardless of who they are: family, friends, neighbors, people at school or work, strangers, the media, whoever, you have the power to shut them down and keep them from negatively affecting you.  I know it’s hard, but it’s a MUST for self-preservation!  You have the power to ignore them or speak up and walk away.  You have the power to distance yourself or totally cut them off.  You have the power to let their negativity fuel your successYOU DECIDE!!  If this is an entrepreneur or a company that employs said offender, you have BUYING POWER and the power of your voice, solo or as a community!  That, my friends, is some serious leverageUse it!
 
As for the promoter, I have no hard feelings at all.  I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to any of his events, but it has not been for lack of interest. I had planned to attend with friends once my schedule permitted it.  After this, I can’t say that I ever will, but I do accept his apology.  I truly believe that he wasn’t trying to be malicious. 
 
Let this be a lesson to watch what you say about a group of people, especially if you want their business.  You could be joking, but part of communication isn’t what you say, but how it is interpretted by your audience.  Source:  Marketing 101  *wink* 
 
My loyal readers and friends know that I am all about gratitude and the silver lining, (shout out to my tweep, @FreeYourHeart for the reminder), so I must THANK the promoter for providing me with the opportunity to stand up for my beliefs.  And thank you for inspiring a new lesson to share about the power of our voices… and our dollars.  lol  I sincerely wish you peace, wisdom, and blessings.  Now THAT is empowering!  *smile*
 
I love each and every one of youThank you so much for reading, commenting, sharing, friending me, following, retweeting, subscribing, pressing the “Like” button, and giving me feedback!  Be blessed and be a blessing today and every day!
 
Biba aka Ms. Pillowz

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handgun_I knew that I didn’t totally want to lose that fire that I felt right afterwards, but I was fading fast.  Indecision, lack of direction, and not accomplishing any goals was sucking the motivation right out of me.  One day at work, somehow I found Oprah’s The Secret episodes.  I had heard about The Secret before and even bought the audiobook a couple years ago. I found the music and the Australian accent distracting, so I never finished it.  I don’t think that I was truly ready to hear the message at that time.

I watched both episodes as well as her after show specials, and something clicked.  The points that the authors made resonated with me completely.  Her guests included James Ray, Lisa Nichols, Dr. Michael Beckwith, Jack Canfield, along with Rhonda Byrne, the author.  I scoured Youtube looking for videos by them.  (I’ll be sure to post a few later.)

The gist of the show was that my thoughts, conscious and unconscious, were creating my reality.  I could see that.  An example would be whenever I set my mind to something, opportunities would come out of the woodworks.  Then I would say to myself that I was not good enough to get it done and I wouldn’t do it.

A couple weeks later, an I-Tunes update popped up on my screen.  I don’t typically use I-Tunes, but I decided to see what it was about.  I found a ton of FREE podcasts with interviews from many of The Secret guests.  I also found Law of Attraction related podcasts as well as podcasts about hypnosis, detoxification, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), weight loss, goal setting and achievement, Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), affirmations, meditations, and the power of gratitude.  I listened to different ones every day for weeks.  My mind was opened up to a ton of new ideas that I began incorporating into my life.

Since then, things have really shifted.  I have even more confidence now.  I’ve learned and fully accepted my purpose.  Before, I never really made goals that I’ve stuck with.  I’ve waivered on them, which is why it was difficult to see any achievement on the few long term goals that I set.  I’ve since set goals for almost every area of my life: health and fitness, career, relationship and family, financial, legacy, personal, and recreation.  (I’ve included an interview with Jack Canfield, one of my absolute favorite contributors to The Secret, at the end of this post.)

The reason I chose to share this story was to hopefully light a fire within you.  You don’t have to wait until some kind of near death experience to change the direction of your life.  Don’t wait until you can’t do any of the things that you’ve always wanted to do.  Don’t wait, because tomorrow is not promised to you.  Besides death, accidents, debilitating illnesses, financial emergencies, fear, and other circumstances can change the game for anyone.  Don’t wait.  You only have one shot at this life.  Don’t waste it!

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The Saddle

English_saddleI have to apologize.  Not only do I owe you the conclusion to a story, but I owe you a better effort to keep posts consistent.  I haven’t posted in a month of Sundays.  *Sidebar: Can someone please tell me where the that saying came from?*  I digress. 

I had this laundry list of the reasons that I haven’t posted in so long, but I balled it up and threw it away.  I don’t necessarily want to focus on falling off the saddle except to acknowledge it and apologize for doing so.  I’m not even going to say that it won’t happen again, because that would be a lie and it is important for me to be honest with you.  I can, however, say that I hope that it won’t happen again.

Instead, I’d like to focus on the blessing or the silver lining.  Through not posting, I realize how many people read and enjoy my posts despite the lack of posting comments.  The other positve is that I have come to know that a part of me that I’d hoped was gone is not.  

Since high school, I had this tendency that when things were going well: diets, exercise programs, schedules that I set for studying, things that I set up to correct a behavior, something within me had other ideas.  It would throw a monkey wrench in my spokes and sabotage everything.  It was completel out of control.  The motivation and encouragement that I had to continue the good things that I was doing would suddenly disappear and turn into this bored and lazy attitude.  Then things would go back to the usual.  I’d go back to eating like before, quit exercising, and then gain back every pound that I’d lost.  My studies fell off and my goals would be left unachieved.   I didn’t understand what it was in the beginning.  I thought that there was something wrong with me and that no one else had this issue.  Turns out that I was wrong. 

I’m not sure why, but I noticed it a lot less these past few years.  Since so many great things have been happening lately, I thought that it was a thing of the past, but it has creeped back into the picture.  To be totally honest, I’m not sure that it ever left.  *sigh*  This is so frustrating.  I don’t know why the self sabotage is happening.  Maybe it is fear of change or of being successful.  Maybe it is just about remaining comfortable.  Maybe it is my subconscious playing a preprogrammed and out of date tape.  Whatever it is, knowing that it is still there is a blessing.

I firmly believe that I have what it takes to acheive all of my goals and be succesfull.  I believe that I can have the life that I want down to the type of rims I want on my car, but if there are some things in my subconscious that I don’t deal with, then either it will be much harder to fight with myself to acheive my goals and / or my successes will slip right through my fingers. 

Acknowledgment is the first step to dealing with any issues and now that I have acknowledged the self sabotage,  I am prepared to get back in the saddle and find a solution to deal with it and not let it hinder me any further.  I will keep you updated on my findings and I will also be posting the conclusion to “How a Drive By Changed My Life” very soon.  Thank you for sticking around!  I hope that all of you had an wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!

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Our Goal:

Through BigDivaHq.com, we hope to encourage confidence in and provide inspiration for big girls, so that you know without a doubt that you are beautiful, deserve the best of everything, and can live a healthy, positive and utterly fulfilling life. All of this can happen with a few changes to your thinking. Size is no reason to live in shadows. It is an unacceptable excuse!

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